Parenting is Overrated

I got a call today from my bank. Some jackoff in Indianapolis is writing checks on an account that I had..oh, about 8 years ago! We didn't even have the internet then so I can't blame hackers. Just some lowlife dirt bag skank that decided she wanted to have people ask her at the grocery store, "Are you related to the actress?" (I had a famous last name during my last marriage)

I'm so distraught. My brain is going 100 miles a minute trying to figure out how the hell someone would've got their paws on that information. I mean this was a L.O.N.G. time ago.

Now I am waiting for a call from the "Organized Crime Unit" from Indy's finest. I really never thought this would ever happen to me.

Posted in: IT CAN (AND WILL) HAPPEN TO YOU on Tuesday, April 29, 2008 at at 1:00 PM 0 comments  

So the X never admitted it fully, but I did trap him into confessing by sending him an email to his work email. Then when asking him over the phone why he never replied he said "Which email did you send it to?"



Your work one of course! *insert cackling laugh here*

"Oh well that email is no longer valid."

Just what I thought! A whole month off of work and now your work email isn't valid. Gee, I wonder why. Fucking loser. Who in their right mind can lose every single job they've ever had in 2 years or less? It's like a phenomenon with this guy. You would think he would learn already that you have to do these things like show up on time and not fuck around while on the clock. I guess I'm giving him too much credit.

Posted in: HE'S MY X FOR A REASON on Monday, April 28, 2008 at at 10:57 AM 0 comments  

Botox creeps me the fuck out. I just don't understand it. I get that wrinkles are fugly. But I would much rather look like a shriveled up raisin than this.



That is NOT cute. It's scary. Damn scary.

I can't stand to see all the people on TV getting collagen injections in their lips and botox in their foreheads. I want to see people that can move their upper lip and eyebrows.

It's almost like there is a new species on Earth. It's not pretty either despite the fact that is the goal they are trying to attain. What is ultra disturbing is when a decent looking person injects themselves and becomes ugly. What's the whole point then? Take this gem as an example.

Olivia Newton John's daughter, Chloe. She's on that lame show Rock the Cradle on MTV. She goes from being average looking and normal to freakishly swollen and creepy.



Put down the needle and step away from Dr. 90210. People are not meant to look like this! I can't wait until this fad is out of Hollywood and people can focus on just having fake boobs again.

Posted in: I'LL STILL TAKE LIPO ANY DAY on at at 10:28 AM 0 comments  

For the love of all that is good and pure, I am going to fucking kill someone today. I don't think I could be any more pissed off. I'm having one of those days. You know, where you wake up and think "Fuck! Again? Why can't I just sleep for the next 20 years?!?!?"

I had the most horrible, angry dreams last night and was awoken to the baby (with a cold AGAIN) tossing and turning at 1 a.m. He didn't stop all fucking night long. I slept like absolute shit and have been up since 5 a.m. So right off the bat I'm in a shitastic mood.

I tried to pull through it and be super mom, I really did. I got the kids ready to go to Target and was out the door by 9 a.m. Which, in hindsight, isn't that great of an accomplishment considering I had already been up for 4 hours, but whatever. I'm driving for about 5 minutes before POP! HISSSSSS!

Yes, I got a flat fucking tire. And my cell phone was dead. And I had no stroller with me. So I picked up the baby and we walked our asses home. It only took a half hour, but when you're not expecting to go for a hike, it really fucking sucks. Plus, two year olds are so slow. She tried keeping pace with me, but she was running as fast as her little chicken legs could go and then WHOOPS! She took a header into the concrete.

Big Daddy was able to be late for work today so he fixed the tire situation. Then onto the Battle Royale with the ex-husband who of course is trying to impose on MY weekend with our son. Being the sweetest, most doormat-esque ex-wife possible, I bend over and agree that he can have him this weekend (despite the fact I was going to work on his soon-to-be-late biography book report- more on that later). I just ask that on his next weekend with him that I get him. Sounds fair, right? Ohhhh no! "I just don't know if that's going to work out. I think we have other things planned that weekend." Well you know what asshole, so do I so fuck you. Which one is more important? You better decide quickly because I can feel the tide shifting and I can't guarantee I'm going to be quite so generous in the next hour.

So back to this fucking book report. Kid #1 has known for a month he has to do a book report on a biography. I've known as well because like a good parent, I check his damn folder every single day. I have come to learn that this is not the case at the ex's house. They (him and his new pregnant for the 5th time wife) will only look in his backpack if he brings it to them and asks them to look in it. Why? Why not just throw in the extra 2 minutes of effort and look yourself instead of relying on an 8 year old child? Who knows. So basically, I'm responsible for getting these damn book reports done because they just don't give two shits over there.

Have I mentioned yet that I think the ex lost his job AGAIN? He "rotates" jobs every 18 months. This is because he calls in all the time, makes excuses, is perpetually late, and talks too fucking much for people to be able to stand him for longer than 18 months. Anyway, he hasn't been to work in a MONTH! He said he took time off because he was sick. What company lets you have 20 straight days of sick leave for the flu? Um, probably none. He won't admit it yet that he was canned again, but I'm waiting patiently.

*Slight update*

Kid #1 got a biography from the library (Buzz Aldrin in case you're wondering). He read the entire book already and did the book report. So I guess it won't be late after all. Whew! One less thing for me to worry about. I am still slightly annoyed though. Now it's because I got a sunburn from being outside today for a half hour. I hate when I forget sunscreen!

Posted in: I WOULD SWEAR THIS IS JUST PMS, IF I WASN'T BREAST FEEDING on Wednesday, April 23, 2008 at at 3:20 PM 1 comments  

Little Sis discovered my Mac has the ability to speak. There is a sticky note option that you can write anything you want on and make your Mac say back to you.

Once we got over the initial humor of swear words we really got down to business.

We called my mom and when she answered she heard this:

Hello, this call is for ___ ____,

This is your house calling. Where is the carpet? You shouldn't have ripped it up. Plywood is not really considered hardwood. Please stop trying to renovate me. Your many attempts have failed miserably. Good-bye. I'm watching you.

I think I laughed so hard I was close to peeing my pants. I know she knows it was me. I'm always ragging on her about ripping up her carpet because....

Oh shit.

She just called. She called the police.

Apparently, she didn't know it was us after all. Well, now that I've cleared this up it doesn't really seem quite as funny.

Eh, yeah it does. I love playing practical jokes. Even if they're at the expense of crazy people like my mother.

Posted in: I'M GOING TO HELL FOR THIS ONE on Saturday, April 19, 2008 at at 6:48 AM 1 comments  

It's contagious here. Like the plague, only more annoying.

My kids. Are annoying. The piss. Out of me. Today.

I awoke to the girls screaming and fighting bright and early at 6:30am.

Kid #2: "I don't want her to talk to me because I meeds to have time by myself so I am not crabby today!"
Kid #3: "I want mulk! Don't talk a me!" *swats at sister*

Then #4 promptly poops through his diaper onto my bed and as I change him pees onto his own chest.

Seriously, can a girl not catch a break?

Since then it's been non-stop crying all day. One at a time usually. One will cry and the others are fine, then they rotate. No one actually has a reason to be an ass today. It's gorgeous out and we don't have shit to do today, but sit around and soak up the awesomeness that is spring in Wisconsin.

Time to go to my happy place to veg out. That would be the cyberland of the internet in case you were wondering.

Posted in: MY REAL HAPPY PLACE IS ANYWHERE WITH FRUITY DRINKS on Friday, April 18, 2008 at at 10:05 AM 0 comments  

Her mom was a total fruit and named her Mac.

Isn't she gorgeous?

Posted in: I'M GONNA MARRY HER on Monday, April 14, 2008 at at 4:10 PM 2 comments  

It's been two days now since Kid #3 has had her pacifier which she had lovingly nicknamed "ba." She has not yet slept past 5:30 a.m. nor has she gone to bed before 9 p.m.

Lord help me.

Posted in: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M SLEEPING ANYWAY on Sunday, April 13, 2008 at at 4:50 AM 0 comments  

Now I'm not a terribly superstitious person usually, but I have been known to knock on wood occasionally. ("That's what she said" for all The Office fans out there)

Big Daddy and I chatted on Friday about that one time when Kid #3 (Evil Spawn) stuck a Cheerio so far up her nose it got into her nasal cavity and she sneezed it out later in a big, wet glob of grainy mucous. We laughed about how panicked we were and how she would never do that again.

I did not knock on wood.

Uh oh.

Fast forward to yesterday. This evil being is snacking on some Cheerios and watching her boyfriend on tv. All of a sudden she is racing over to me in a panic, pointing to her nose, and saying "It hurty! It HURTY!"

Sure enough, there's a chunk of whole-grained goodness wedged into that teeny tiny little nostril of hers.

Luckily, it wasn't up too far this time so Big Daddy extracted it with a tweezers. You should have seen the look on the evil one's face when she saw tweezers coming at her nose. Pure fear. Now you know how it feels kid!

So today's lesson for the day: Always knock on wood.

Posted in: IT SAVES LIVES on at at 4:30 AM 0 comments  

Yes, I said a mummy. Not a mommy.

Kid #3 was being awfully quiet yesterday while I gave the baby a bath. I thought she was watching her boyfriend on tv (you know, Spongebob), but nooooo. She made her way into the kitchen.

She wasn't in the fridge which surprised me because that's her newest trick. Pulling out the lactose free milk and bringing it to anyone that's old enough to pour. This time she grabbed the brand new roll of paper towels off the counter and unraveled them.

Now she did roll them back up. Impressive, right? No. She rolled them around HERSELF.

I walk into the kitchen to find her mummified on the kitchen floor wiggling around like a worm.

Looking back on it, I really wish I would've grabbed the camera. I almost want to give her another roll of paper towels to see if she can reenact it, but I realize this will just be teaching her it's okay and that's definitely not what I want. It was hella funny though...

Posted in: I'M GOING TO GRAB SOME MORE PAPER TOWELS NOW on Saturday, April 12, 2008 at at 5:27 AM 0 comments  

Kid #4 slept in his crib!

YES! FINALLY! It was my finest accomplishment since my high school graduation. As soon as the crying stopped, I danced around my living room like a drunken Rock of Love groupie in celebration.

Then the panic set in.

Did he smother himself? Is he breathing? Did he vomit? He could choke on his own vomit. I wonder how he's laying. Is he on his back? Is he on his stomach? Is his head smooshed against the side of the crib?

I laid in bed stiff like a board. Big Daddy was at work so if he died I would probably be the one in jail. That sucks. I mean jail is probably a pretty nice vacation from this house full of crazies, but orange isn't exactly my color. Plus, I've grown attached to that little monster I call Kid #4.

Do I go check? Do I stay and wait?

I give in. I go in and check and yes he was sort of smothering himself. I gently manipulated his head so it would turn to the side and I could see one of his nostrils. One is better than none, right? Then I quickly darted out of the room as stealth as I could possibly be.

I laid back down in bed and drifted off to sleep. It was so peaceful knowing that the baby wasn't going to roll off the bed (again) and that my boobs didn't have to do any work anytime soon.

That was the best hour of sleep I ever had.

Yeah, it only lasted an hour, but that's okay. I got up, swooped him out of crib, and brought him back into my bed to snuggle. I missed him.

Posted in: HE'S SQUISHY AND I LOVE HIM SO on at at 5:16 AM 0 comments