Parenting is Overrated

LOST was amazing last night! First off

Sweet mother of god, he is one beautiful man. Plus, he's a hero! He threw himself off the helicopter to save Kate and his buddy Hurley. Now THAT is one hell of a man!

Secondly, talk about exciting! Sayid beats up the mercenary, Ben moves the island, Jin jumps off the boat, the freighter explodes, Locke is Jeremy Bethem...

Good stuff.

Now the official countdown until next February begins.

Posted in: I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT CRAPPY MONTH AGAIN on Friday, May 30, 2008 at at 10:54 AM 0 comments  

The finale of season 4 is tonight.

I fully expect wonderful, amazing things that will confuse me and hook me into buying another season on DVD to happen tonight.

If not, there will be hell to pay.

Posted in: DON'T LET ME DOWN on Thursday, May 29, 2008 at at 4:36 PM 0 comments  

I threw together another garage sale today. Made about $100! I'm telling you this is addictive. I'm going to be one of those old people that just goes to other people's garage sales to buy stuff to sell in their own garage sale.

Must.put.money.in.the.bank.

Well, after tomorrow... We're having another sale in the morning.

Posted in: RAIN RAIN STAY AWAY - MOMMY DEAREST NEEDS TO PAY FOR HER MORTGAGE on at at 4:18 PM 1 comments  

It's Tuesday?

Fucking Memorial Day screwed me up. I will be screwed up for the whole week now. I really hate these sort of "holidays" that mess up the week for me.

Today my plan was to do nothing.

Now I have to go pick up Kid #1 from school, make dinner, take him to baseball practice, and prepare lunches for tomorrow. Man, this sucks!

I need to schedule another Monday now. I just need a buffer day before jumping back into mommyhood.

Posted in: TUESDAY IS NOT THE NEW MONDAY on Tuesday, May 27, 2008 at at 11:15 AM 1 comments  

You know what means? It's going to rain and any sort of outdoor plans will be foiled. Sure enough, that has happened again this year.

I'm not complaining though because I was really hoping for some rain so we could test out our new rain barrel. Big Daddy constructed this bad boy yesterday and someone actually stopped and asked if we were selling it and for how much.

Seeing dollar signs in his eyes, Big Daddy has come up with a plan to manufacture rain barrels for profit. He still needs to find a supplier of 55 gallon drums though. If you see one, tell me!

Our weekend was successful all in all. We sold about $300 at our garage sale. My mother only annoyed me slightly despite her many attempts. We got rid of some big baby things and the rest of my toothpaste stockpile. Insider tip: Toothpaste sells great at $1 per tube. So when you can get it for free or free after rebate BUY IT and then sell it and make a $1. Or like in my case $30.

I'll update the dog story and the neighbor story later. I have to find some little people and put them down for naps.

Posted in: I'M A PROCRASTINATOR SO DON'T WAIT UP on Monday, May 26, 2008 at at 10:26 AM 1 comments  

Racked up $250 today at the yard sale.

Big Daddy got invited to Snoop's poker party.

We met a neighbor with kids the same age as our kids.

We rescued a dog.

That sums today up.

Posted in: WE STILL HAVE TO GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM on Saturday, May 24, 2008 at at 2:27 PM 1 comments  

He's ruggedly handsome, right?

Lucky for me, Big Daddy and Kid #1 have rediscovered their love for Metal Gear Solid 2 so I get to watch an animated hottie run across my TV for hours on end. It's funny how obsessed they get with it. The game sat in the basement untouched for a couple years and all of a sudden they both can't get enough.

It's keeping them occupied so if I set aside my feelings on violence (they shoot with tranquilizer guns), I can enjoy the evening without either of them yapping my ear off. Now if I could only get the little ones to shush for a while I would be set.

Posted in: SOUNDS LIKE A FANCY NAME FOR ORTHODONTICS on Friday, May 23, 2008 at at 6:39 PM 1 comments  

is ON!

I have exactly 21 hours left before I haul half of my house out to my driveway and haggle people into buying it. You can't even walk in my garage right now. There is shit E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E! I've been saving girls clothes since what feels like the beginning of time (realistically about 5 years) and I can't wait to sell them!

Go away baby clothes!

Go away baby swings, changing table, diaper genie, saucer!

Go away mountains of toothpaste, maternity clothes, and Gas X!

I just want to get rid of most of the things in my house so I can feel clutter free and HAPPY again.

I'm really scared for tomorrow though. I'm an anti-socialite. I don't like when I have to converse with strangers. I despise having people haggle with me over fifty cents. The whole idea is enough to make me want to just throw everything outside with a big sign that says FREE (DONATIONS ACCEPTED, LEAVE IN MAILBOX).

Just typing this up has my body on high alert. My feet are tense and my shoulders are seriously touching my ears. Pass me a Xanax and a beer so I can muster the strength to go through with this.

Posted in: I NEEDZ DA MONEY on at at 8:58 AM 0 comments  

We went to the zoo today!

I received a renewal for my zoo membership as my Mother's Day gift this year. I guess that's my other luxury. Plus, the zoo is like 30 miles away from my house which isn't doing anything, but draining my gas tank.

But we did have a blast! We also learned a lot. I tried to make it as educational to justify spending the gas money to get there. Did you know black bears like being by themselves instead of in groups of other black bears? Now you do!

Some of the highlights of the trip

These birds were so close to me I could have petted them. There's no barrier or anything. They're just RIGHT THERE. They have the coolest little white mustaches that curl up on each end. I wanted to take them home with me. But them they just started flying all of a sudden and I hit the floor and squealed like a little girl in turn scaring the children. Yeah, stay at the zoo little feathered friends. Your beaks scare me. Thanks a lot Hitchcock.



The camels were chillin. The one in the middle was serenading us while I snapped pics. The kids were more into the "peetots" than anything though which roam freely at our zoo. Peacocks walk next to you as you drudge on to the next exhibit, sneaking bits of popcorn off the ground as they go. Today was no exception. Kid #3 made buddies with a peacock that strutted his stuff by the camels. As the ghetto fabulous children on a school field trip taunted and chased the animal, Kid #3 stood by him and waved to him like he was her lost BFF. I wish I could've gotten a picture of it, but I buried that damn camera at the bottom of the bag at the bottom of the double stroller. There was just no going back at that point. Too bad though because it was super cute.

The best part for everyone is the beloved zoo train. I love it because I can breast feed without people gawking at my belly fat. The kids love it because kids have some sort of weird obsession with trains. I never have really figured that out. Maybe because there is no car seat? Or the whole toot-toot sound? I have no idea. They did love it though.


Kid #2


Kid #3


Kid #4

Posted in: I DIDN'T PURPOSELY ABANDON HIM, KID #1 HAD SCHOOL on Thursday, May 22, 2008 at at 2:57 PM 1 comments  

Kid #3 pooped on the potty! Who knew feces in the proper receptacle would be the highlight of my week?

Posted in: I CAUGHT HER JUST IN TIME on at at 2:55 PM 0 comments  

In an effort to not be broke forever, I've changed my ways like I would have never imagined. If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be doing these things, I would've told you you're on crack. So far I've

~Switched to cloth diapers
~Started unplugging things when we're not using them like the microwave, TVs, dryer, etc
~Switched to drying clothes & diapers on a clothes line
~Walking to stores instead of driving
~Using CFL light bulbs (FYI don't use these on a dimmer switch or they fucking die in a month)
~Turned off our heat until the fall (it's still pretty damn cold at night here, like 40 degrees)
~Eliminated vacations for good (sorry Disney, I heard you're great, but we can't afford ya!)
~No A/C this summer! Our house is basically shaded anyway by trees so it doesn't get very hot
~Switched to the Road Runner All-in-One plan
~Making half my backyard into a garden to eliminate the need to buy fresh produce

Yet I'm still looking for more. What else can I possibly cut? I mean I know the internet, phone, TV are a "luxury," but damn we need some form of entertainment, right? Plus, I really love TV and internet. What would I do without LOST or The Soup? How would I know what is still considered white trash according to the Bargain Board? I need to be in the know on these things.

I guess the next step is getting some sort of at home job to help out... like... babysitting!

ACK!

I think I would rather go without TV and internet first.

Posted in: BACK TO KNITTING FOR FUN, LORD HELP ME on at at 2:32 PM 0 comments  

They suck. Royally suck.

I loathe big business. Especially oil companies (oh and pharmaceutical companies). Making billions of dollars of profit while they merrily jack up the price of crude oil to the highest ever.

It's insane. It really makes me feel like the end of the world is coming.

First, gas prices go up. Then people can't afford to spend money on new things like cars, electronics, clothing, etc. Those businesses fold and lay off workers who were already scraping by. Now those people are broke and unemployed; therefore, hungry and desperate. What does an animal do when it's hungry? It feeds on whatever it can. If you can't afford to buy the food, what do you do? Steal it?

See where I'm going here? It's scary. This country is going to hell in a hand basket.

Yet every day I see people with their H2's and Yukon's filling up at the bargain price of $3.99 a gallon. How much are they spending at the pump every time? $120? I spent $40 today and got 10 whole gallons of gas which put me about half full in my mini-van. I wish I could drive a smaller car, but with 4 kids it isn't happening.

It's depressing. The prices of everything are going up. Milk for the first time ever is expensive to me. $2.89 a gallon? I wonder how Cheerios taste with water? I should condition my kids to learn to like it. Or since I'm still breast feeding the baby, I should start giving breast milk to all the kids. Hm, now that would make for some interesting recipes for Kid #1's school cookbook!

"Start by mixing 1 cup of breast milk with 2 eggs..."

The Catholics would really hate me then. Remember everything I do is wrong according to them (except pumping Kid #1 full of ADHD meds which to them is a super answer to his pencil tapping habit!), but I digress.

Basically, all this shit has been on my mind lately. I'm majorly bugging.

Posted in: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT AND I FEEL FIIIIINE on at at 2:15 PM 0 comments  

It's our household's busiest day of the week. Between school, gymnastics, a Little League game, grocery shopping, and getting a haircut, we have our day jam-freaking-packed.

Did I also mention Big Daddy is working on moving my clothes line so I can have a super huge garden? It's also sunny and windy out today so I'm doing as much laundry as possible before it decides to pour.

Oh and this weekend we're doing a freaking garage sale. So I'm lugging shit out of every nook and cranny of this god-forsaken place to throw on my driveway. I can't wait. I'm going to use the money we make to pay that thing called my mortgage. I heard that the mortgage companies like to get paid in a timely matter. That's at least what they told me when they called four times a day every day since the 7th of May.

So if I disappear for a few days keep me in your thoughts. I will need them as I fold 4 years worth of children's clothes in my garage.

Posted in: I KNOW IT'S MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND AND I DON'T CARE on Wednesday, May 21, 2008 at at 2:16 PM 1 comments  

I hate the phone. I detest it. I always panic when I have to call for a pizza and I absolutely dread having to call places and ask questions.

So yesterday the phone rings (and for once the ringer was actually on so I could find where I had put it) and I didn't answer. It was Tootsie and I just didn't have the desire to pick up (sorry!). She called to say that our play date was back on for today and to call her back to confirm if I was coming.

Naturally, I email her back. I've told them before I will always email before calling. She didn't respond, but then again I emailed her at like 5 a.m. this morning.

I get all the spawn ready, head out to do an oil change, and then head to Tootsie's house. Knock on the door. No one answers. Knock again. Still no answer. Look around. Notice that no one's car is there besides mine and hers. Hm. Yeah, I guess they decided to cancel it this week after all.

I fucked up. I should've called. Now my kids are pissed off that they can't "fway wif da kids." I'm a little ticked that I drove all the way out there (it's like 25 miles away) to get to her place. *sigh* Next time I'll just suck it up and call.

Posted in: HOWEVER, JIFFY LUBE WAS FANTASTIC on Tuesday, May 20, 2008 at at 9:40 AM 1 comments  

I woke up disturbed this morning. First off, I did not want to get up. 6 a.m. is just too damn early despite the fact that the sun and the baby are up.

I dreamt last night that I killed myself. How is that for disturbing?

First I was meeting Big Daddy at a strip club which was like an arena. I had to try to find him because I was showing up late. I couldn't find him anywhere. The strippers were wearing these gigantic goggles to protect their eyes from flying beer bottles. I wish I could draw a picture to show everyone what I saw, but you would just end up asking yourself "Is that a balloon or an elephant?"

So I'm searching for Big Daddy in the club. I'm incredibly tired and falling asleep while I'm walking. I want to just find somewhere to sleep, but I can't. Plus, I need to find him! I end up not finding him at all, but I find his underwear which makes me flip the fuck out.

I get back in my car and am trying to drive down the freeway, but I'm falling asleep. I get home and there is a Latino family waiting to give me plants to welcome me to the neighborhood. I end up throwing the plants against the wall and smashing the pots because I'm so pissed that I can't find Big Daddy.

I go to the bedroom and there he is, sleeping in bed. I hung his underwear up on the clothes line which apparently is in the kitchen and went back into the bedroom. I found a belt in the closet and tied it around my neck and hung it from the ceiling. I felt how tight it was on my neck and I was sobbing. Then I woke up.

No more Desperate Housewives and Miller Lite before bed. I don't think my psyche can handle it.

Posted in: I'M NOT CRAZY BUT IT DOES RUN IN THE FAMILY on Monday, May 19, 2008 at at 5:29 AM 1 comments  

At least that was the consensus from this event. Miss Becki wasn't there (BOO) and The Loud Talker had to leave early (BOO) so The Tribal Leader and I got some one-on-one time and starred as "The Funny Chicks In The Corner."

It was a ton of fun and I warmed up before I even had a beer so that was unexpectedly wonderful. And I got 3 whole child-free hours to spend with *gasp* adults! Maybe next time I won't panic about being social...

Posted in: DON'T BET ON IT on Saturday, May 17, 2008 at at 2:51 PM 0 comments  

Some people have too much time on their hands. Make sure you view all the pictures in The Adventures of Monkeeta

Posted in: SOCKS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WORN NOT PLAYED WITH on at at 5:31 AM 0 comments  

And today is her bridal shower! Yay for her!

Not so yay for me. I must have social anxiety disorder. I have been dreading this for weeks. The thought of having to go to a place I've never been before, sit by people I've never met, eating food that has been cut into bite sized pieces before it was even served, all of it makes my palms sweat.

I've been like this as long as I can remember. I always end up having fun once I warm up, but until that point it is pure fear. I always pull a Chandler Bing and use humor to deflect my uncomfortableness which seems to please people most of the time.

I will probably attach myself to the other play group moms I know. The Loud Talker, The Tribal Leader, or Miss Becki. Most likely it will be Miss Becki who also seems to be shy and perhaps has a small case of social anxiety disorder too. Wish me luck!

Posted in: I NEED A XANAX on at at 5:05 AM 0 comments  

I'm just pluggin' away at the computer tonight. Surfing all my favorite websites, message boards, and blogs when I hear the distinct sound of yawning coming from the girls.

Yippee! This is like jingle bells on Christmas Eve to me!

I round them up and get them ready for bed when all of a sudden I realize the baby isn't with us. I look in the living room. Not there. I look in the girls' room. Not there. I look in the kitchen and P.R.A.Y. the gate to the basement is locked. It is, but he's not in there.

At this point my adrenaline is pumping and my heart is racing so like any rational parent I just start screaming his name at the top of my lungs while running frantically through the house rechecking every room.

Still can't find him.

Plus now I've scared the girls into thinking their brother has been abducted while they zoned out to Barney (hooray for On Demand BTW) and mommy was one with the computer.

The last place I can think of is his room. Maybe he got in there and then closed the door behind him. Now that he's mobile, you just don't know. Also, he is in love with closing doors right now (and then crying because he can't figure out how to open them up again).

I crack open the door and turn on the light and there he is. In his crib. Sleeping. Which is where I put him about 20 minutes before my panic attack.

Yeah, I think mommy needs to get to bed extra early tonight too. Something isn't right up there!

Posted in: I CAN'T GO TO BED YET- MY SHEETS ARE STILL DRYING on Friday, May 16, 2008 at at 5:08 PM 0 comments  

I decided today to use my leftover broccoli stalks and make them into soup in an effort to become less wasteful and more healthy. I was psyched up about this for a few days. Finally today, Big Daddy is gone all day so I could make it. He has this hatred of broccoli because it stinks. I have to agree it's not pretty, but it's not worse than fish! *gag*

So I'm chatting on the phone with my BFF and steaming up my stalks. I get engrossed in our conversation in which we compare how beastly our kids have been that day and completely forget about the broccoli.

You know what stinks worse than steamed broccoli? BURNT STEAMED BROCCOLI!

My pot is totally fucked as is my steamer. I couldn't even attempt to just clean them off. I just threw them outside. The smell was unbearable. It gave me an instant headache and I seriously contemplated leaving for a few hours to just get away from it. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Open all the windows and turn on the ceiling fans to try to vent out the house. Well, that wasn't fast enough for me. I decided to hunt in my cabinets for some Glade or Oust or something. I found some Glade from probably 1999. Still full! I sprayed it around the kitchen, the hallway, the living room, and thought this was a great idea! Then I look down at the scent. Baby Powder. And then I remembered why I stopped using that Glade scent. It reminds me of dirty diapers because I used to spray it into my Diaper Genie.

You know what smells worse than burnt steamed broccoli? STANKY ASS BURNT STEAMED BROCCOLI!

So I basically gave up on dinner at that point. I fed the kids some frozen chicken nuggets I discovered at the bottom of the freezer and peanut butter sandwiches for dessert. Quality.

Posted in: DON'T EAT HERE- THE SMELL ALONE WILL KILL YA on at at 3:34 PM 0 comments  

No, he's not, but if he was that would give a good cover for what I think his real job is. He's either unemployed and driving a Caddy because he's got a big inheritance or he's dealing the dope. Um, probably the latter. At least the dealers next door moved out so he doesn't have any competition if in fact that's how he's supplementing his income.

He's had random dogs in the backyard recently. It's really bizarre. I blogged before about his new Rotty. Apparently, it's not his after all because I haven't seen it again since that day. He's also had what appears to be a pitbull/boxer mix and a lab in his backyard in the past week. Oooh and he got a turkey fryer! I was way excited about that one!

So I'm sticking with "Dogg Trainer" as Snoop's official career.

Posted in: OR IS IT DAWG TRAINER on Thursday, May 15, 2008 at at 5:58 AM 0 comments  

It will never end with this guy. I fight as much with him now as I did when we were married. It's awful. It's always about money (and the fact I don't have the money to shell out for private school next year). The funny part is EITHER DO THEY! Mr. New-Job-Every-18-Months-Or-Less was out of work for over 2 freaking months. How can they afford putting 3 kids in private school?

Well I found out how! They've been charging me and the other ex (my exhusband's wife's ex) MORE than what our fair half is. Well I put the kabosh on that one and that started the war of all wars.

Add in me throwing them under the bus to the scout leader for not taking him to scouts (he asked me why he wasn't there, it's the damn truth!) and they are livid. But I don't care. I'm so over their bull shit.

Posted in: 9 YEARS 40 DAYS LEFT UNTIL HE'S 18 on at at 5:50 AM 0 comments  

Posted in: AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH on Sunday, May 11, 2008 at at 6:03 PM 0 comments  

Posted in: I NEEDZ IT on Friday, May 9, 2008 at at 4:49 PM 0 comments  

Hot topics today, I know! FIrst the Duggars and now "CIO."

I go back and forth on whether or not this is some form of abuse. Not that I'm totally against abuse because lets face it, when you have 2 year olds sometimes it's necessary. Kidding, kidding.

With Kid #1, I never really made him CIO. We lived in an apartment and I was deathly scared that one of my neighbors would call the cops on me. With Kid #2, I never really had to make her CIO. She was a lazy baby. She slept all night starting at 2 weeks old. She slept until 8 am every day! It was bliss! Kid #3 was a pretty good baby as well. She liked to sleep. You could tell her it was "nini time" and she would run to her crib and wait for you to pick her up and set her inside.

Then Kid #4 came along. We call him the "koala baby." He clings to me all the time. I know part of it has to do with being a totally breastfed baby. No bottles, no pacifiers (*I* am his pacifier), just boob all the time. So he's never been without me for more than 2 hours. He sleeps with me most of the night and generally stays right by my side all day. I can get him to go in his crib at night from 8 pm until midnight or so, but then he wakes up screaming to come to bed with mommy.

Naps consist of me watching previously DVRed programming on my recliner while he passes out at the boob. If I bring him to his crib he cries... and screams... and then pukes... then cries some more. I've let him cry it out for almost 2 hours once. He was quieting down every 10 minutes so I thought he would pass out, but then he would start screaming harder. He never did sleep. That is until I picked him up. He crashed out on the recliner with me as usual.

It's maddening. I'm so frustrated all the time. Prozac can't compete with the anger I'm feeling. I'm tired, Big Daddy is tired, the girls are being typical 2 and 4 year olds, but I'm overreacting because I'm tired. Kid #1 knows better than to say anything so he chooses to go hide in the (anti) family room downstairs.

Kid #4 is driving a wedge in our family. Our entire lives revolve around sleeping. It's pathetic and irritating and I just don't know what to do anymore. Dr Ferber, Dr Sears, Dr Suess, no doctor can help this child. He's a temper tantrum throwing 9 month old nightmare. I love him to death, but he's draining my sanity with every tear.

I've tried all the tricks I can think of. White noise, room darkening shades, light filtering shades, toys in the crib, no toys in the crib, blankets, no blankets. I tried forcing him to take a pacifier and a lovey and he's not having it. I wish I could detach my breast and throw it in the crib with him. It seems to be his only comfort item and unfortunately it's permanently attached to my chest.

Well, I better go get him back out of his crib. His "nap" (aka scream fest 2008) has lasted 30 minutes and I just can't listen to it anymore. At least I have an episode of Supernanny on the DVR to catch up on.

Posted in: SUPERNANNY- OH THE IRONY on at at 10:43 AM 2 comments  

And I couldn't be any happier for them! Baby #18 is due in January! Way to go Jim Bob! Those guys sure can swim! If Kid #4 wasn't the biggest whiner since... well... Kid #1, I would totally be right there with ya.

Posted in: THAT QUOTE CRACKS ME UP EVERYTIME on at at 10:35 AM 0 comments  

Snoop Dogg is my neighbor. We call him this because he truly resembles Snoop Dogg. He's a pretty chill neighbor. He doesn't work, grills out everyday, and has parties all the time that don't wake up my kids or disturb our backyard shenanigans. So we're cool. Then today I see a rottweiler running amuck in his backyard. I am not happy.

I understand that dogs are only mean when they're conditioned to be that way. I don't care. I don't like them. I used to be a total dog person, but something about them bothers me now. I know what it is, it's being a mommy to 4 curious kids. I can't trust my kids to be by your dog. My kids aren't on a leash (most of the time) and as much as I try to train them to not touch shit that's not theirs, they do all the time.

In fact, I had to stop blogging just now to scoop Kid #3 off the floor in my bedroom where she had fallen because she dumped an entire container of bubbles on my hardwood floor and it was slick.

I can't trust my kids around a rotty. It's just not happening. It is a cyclone fenced backyard so at least there is some protection. I can totally see Kid #3 sticking her little fingers in the holes though to "pet the cutie puddy gog."

I'm really hoping that this was just a fluke and it was a friend's dog. I know, slim chance there, but I can always hope. I'm dreading going outside tomorrow to find out.

Posted in: I PREFER DOGGS TO DOGS on Thursday, May 8, 2008 at at 4:34 PM 1 comments  

are so fucking naughty.

Kid #3 has gotten into more crap today. I swear the girl needs a straight jacket and I need a Xanax.

So far she has dumped out 200 plastic straws, put almost an entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet, rolled another roll of toilet paper from my bedroom to hers and back again, got an apple out of the fridge and choked on it, pulled out an ice pack "for her headache," woke up Kid #2 from her nap by climbing up to her top bunk and saying "Sin! Wake up! It's time to fway!," dumped cereal on the desk, pretzels on the table, and spilled water all over the living room floor.

This is what I get for her taking a 3 hour nap today. Seriously, this is my punishment.

Posted in: COUNTDOWN TO BEDTIME BEGINS NOW on at at 4:26 PM 1 comments  

"When we girls need you in the middle of the night, you need to be listening. We need you. Because we love you. And sometimes we have to peep in the middle of the night and don't want to go in our beds. So you need to listen for us girls."

That was what Kid #2 told me she told Big Daddy last night. Poor guy was up most of the night with them. Stuffy noses, fevers, runny noses, peeing on the floor, coughing. You name it, they pulled it out last night.

When I woke up this morning, Big Daddy sweetly asked "How did you sleep?" "Awesome!" I said. "Best sleep I've had in months!" Whoops. Wrong answer. Sorry.

I feel pretty bad for him. He's hella tired and has to work from 8 a.m. until 11 p.m. I only have to do laundry and wipe noses all day. It's one of those days where I think "Hell yes for being a SAHM!"

Posted in: IT DOESN'T HAPPEN OFTEN on at at 8:29 AM 0 comments  

I would want a damn membership.

HINT. HINT.

Posted in: OR HOW ABOUT AN INVITE PERHAPS on Wednesday, May 7, 2008 at at 11:58 AM 1 comments  

Pancreatic cancer is a real bitch. It took my coupon mentor in like a month. It's unfair. It's unfair to Hollie. It's unfair to her daughter who is only a tweenager. She needs her mommy. My heart breaks for her. It's unfair to her husband. How do you move on? You can't just wake up the next day and think "My wife is dead. I'm going to make breakfast for myself everyday for the rest of my life." It's those little things that really make me sad.

I stood outside today and felt the warm air around me. I felt sad that Hollie couldn't feel it. I just have to think that her spirit, her energy is in the warm air that I'm feeling. She was a good person who did good things for her community and she will be missed.

Posted in: Rest in peace Hollie Wulf on Monday, May 5, 2008 at at 1:26 PM 2 comments  

That's what my new BFF Detective Lindsay said about being a stay at home mom. All I had to say was "Word."

If you ever meet a spunky gal by the name of Nicole Weatherspoon, run her over with your car. She's the one responsible for writing a bad check in MY name. Skizank.

My new BFF says I have nothing to worry about. He's filing charges against her and he doesn't foresee me having to testify which is good because although Indy isn't far away, gas is expensive and I'm not really in a road trip mood lately.

Things are looking up! Yeah!

Posted in: WORD on at at 1:21 PM 0 comments  

Two reasons I got pulled over.

1. There's a windshield wiper law here. I'm not kidding. If your wipers are on, your head lights must be on. The head lights on my van are automatic so I thought they were on. They were not. Stupid Oldsmobile piece of junk.

2. More importantly, I was speeding. I was doing 37 in a 25. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Especially because I've really been making an effort to drive slower lately. But I was in a rush to see my kid play so I fucked up. I was shocked really that I didn't get a ticket for that. I think the crying saved me.

Posted in: TEARS WORK- USE THEM on Saturday, May 3, 2008 at at 1:54 PM 0 comments  

The day lived up to what I had expected.

The weather decided to be shit. 50 degrees, windy, and raining. No thunder or lightning so PLAY BALL! Honestly, who expects 8 year olds to play baseball in those conditions? It was freezing!

I tried to plan as best I could. I lugged the double stroller complete with 2 kids, 4 blankets, a towel, two lawn chairs, a back pack full of toys, and an umbrella. Plus, I had 2 kids on foot. I happened to forget a bottle of water. Damn you water bottle!

After the first inning, Kid #1 was thirsty and whining. I told him to look up, open his mouth, and close his eyes. He rolled his eyes at me. I can't say I blame him.

The little ones were crying. No one wanted to sit in the stroller because then they couldn't see the game. Everyone wanted to use our one, flimsy umbrella. While struggling with this crappy piece of Walmart junk, I looked around and noticed everyone else had the exact same umbrella. Black and white and freaking ginormous. Where did they all get them from? I was so jealous.

So where were we? Oh yeah, everyone is crying except me (but I will be soon!). I decide to load up everyone (sans Kid #1) into the van and drive to the gas station 2 blocks away to buy a bottle of water and some snacks to shut the kids up. Kid #1's dad (you know the ex-husband with no j-o-b) was there so I let him know I would be back and took off.

This is where things start to go from bad to worse.

I'm in a line of vehicles about 20 deep waiting for a freight train to go by. No big deal. It happens a lot right here. But then the train starts slowing down more and more until.... it's at a dead stop. Super. I wait another minute and people are freaking out in front of me. I turn around and try to find another place to buy a stupid bottle of water.

I end up at Big Daddy's work. They sell water and snacks and I got to vent to him for a millisecond about how awful the game was so far. We're literally running out of the building, in the rain, when all of a sudden BOOM! The girls fall down on the concrete scraping up their hands, getting their pants filthy with mud, and also drenching them even worse than they already were. I look back to figure out why they fell and see Kid #3's shoe about 20 feet back in the parking lot. Apparently, she had lost it and didn't care enough to let me know. So we trek back to the shoe which some old gentlemen happened to pick up for me and mutter "You sure got your hands full!" Dude, you have no idea, but thank you a thousand times over for your act of kindness.

I get everyone saddled in their car seats and back to the game we go. I take a short cut back through a small, old business park and I get so close I can see the field when all of a sudden I see flashing lights.

Are you freaking kidding me? Seriously? Could the day get any shittier?

I turned on the water works and the cop let me off with only a warning. First time ever! The super embarrassing part though is that the entire Little League team watched me since I was pulled over right in front of the field. So when I walked back to the field they all stared at me and my puffy, red eyes. I was praying that no one had noticed. Yeah right. Good ol' ex-husband made sure to laugh his ass off at me in front of everyone. It was humiliating to say the least.

So not only did today live up to it's expectations, it far surpassed them. I think the only thing that could make it worse now is if one of the kids got sick from being out in this crappy weather. I'm going to knock on wood now.

Posted in: FLASHING....LIGHTS LIGHTS LIGHTS LIGHTS on at at 1:31 PM 0 comments  

He finally admitted it. My ex-husband was canned two months ago. Now he's collecting unemployment and working a side job for cash. Way to take advantage of the system, right?

Apparently, he wasn't fired for his usual lates and absences, but instead because of "strong arming" a customer on the phone. "I'm the nicest guy you'll ever meet! I would never talk someone's ear off just to get them to do something I wanted," he says.

Oh.my.gawd. Are you freaking kidding me? That's what you do to me on a regular basis! Why do you think I avoid your phone calls? Because you're always railroading me into driving Kid #1 everywhere, paying for everything, and being the disciplinarian while you get to play Disney daddy. Argh!

Well karma is a bitch, isn't it?

Posted in: ME AND KARMA ARE BFF on Friday, May 2, 2008 at at 10:43 AM 0 comments  

They're coming!



I saw STP in concert many moons ago. I had proof at one point. A ticket stub. But when you move every 6 months for 3 years, you tend to lose these sort of things.

I would have the memories, but lets face it, I was fully baked before the concert even started. You add a couple beers to the mix once I got there and yeah.... I have 3 still frames in my head of that concert. I do remember that I had a good time though.

So they're coming to Summerfest this summer! See, didn't I tell you that Milwaukee rocks! I want to go SO FREAKING BAD! I need to have non-cloudy memories of my favorite band of all time.

I never actually thought this time would come to be honest. I thought after they broke up that Scott Weiland would end up overdosing and that would be the official end. So it is fantastic luck for me that this guy hasn't offed himself yet, plus he ditched the craptastic Velvet Revolver band, and reunited with STP. I figure if I don't go now, he will definitely die or the band will break up for good and I won't ever get this chance again.

The downside is the date. It just so happens to be on the 4th of July. Bummer. That is my favorite holiday with the kids. Going down to our spot on the beach early. Playing in the sand. Dodging waves and random fireworks from idiot teenage punks. We have a tradition, ya know? I don't know what to do.

Posted in: DON'T DO DRUGS-- THEY KILL BRAIN CELLS on at at 5:12 AM 1 comments  

No wait, don't.

It's officially here. Baseball season has begun. This Saturday I get to pack up the mini-van full of kids, drive 30 minutes to the park, drag everything we own 100 feet (including said children), to enjoy watching a rousing game of pitch the ball to the kid that won't hit it while the other kids pick at the grass.

Can you tell I'm totally thrilled at the thought?

I actually don't mind as much once the season is in full swing. It's just those first couple games where it's too fucking cold (high of 60) and it's raining (chance of thunder storms is 40%) and Big Daddy is working so I have no help with the other 3 kids where I'm like no.fucking.way.

The real kicker is that the super cool castle park where I take the kids for play dates is RIGHT THERE. 50 feet away from the diamond. It stares at my 2 year old. Taunting her. Run to me. Run straight through the field, dodging the players (don't worry about the ball because we all know no one is going to actually hit it). COME TO ME! It's going to be hell trying to keep her watching the game. Maybe I'll bring bubbles...

Then there's the baby. What the hell do you do with a baby that is fully mobile who thinks being defiant is absolutely hysterical? Drugging him is out. It doesn't work. I learned that the hard way with Kid #1. Toys will keep his attention, oh, for about 10 minutes.

I know that bringing them to the park would be an easy fix, but then no one is watching Kid #1 "play" baseball. And we paid a lot for this shit. I want to get my money's worth of memories.

I'm just dreading Saturday.

Oh wait. I just looked at the calendar and he has another game on Monday. At the same time Kid #2 has cheerleading about 30 minutes away. Lovely. This parenting older kids thing is way trickier than parenting babies. This is definite birth control.

Posted in: WHO KNEW BASEBALL WAS THE NEW PILL on Thursday, May 1, 2008 at at 5:31 AM 0 comments