Parenting is Overrated

Our play group goes sour every single week over something. Lately, it's been The Loud Talker's two boys picking on/beating up my younger two kids. They are both a year older than my youngest two and of course older kids always pick on younger ones. It's starting to get on my nerves though.

Today, the 4 year old boy pushed Kid #3 down the slide. She was terrified. I don't even think she went down feet first. From the looks of it, she went down backwards, head first. She screamed the whole way down and cried while The Loud Talker scolded her son. Whatever. Shake it off, no big deal.

But her almost 2 year old, Slim Jim, almost killed Kid #4 on 10 different occasions. Slim Jim loves to pick on babies and he has two younger cousins the same age as Kid #4 so he's used to them. I don't know why he picks on him so bad. He puts him in a headlock and tries to lift him off the ground. He ran into him on purpose, knocking him onto the deck. He pushed him down. He took a ball out of his hands. He laid on top of Kid #4 twice after he knocked him down.

At first I was trying to be calm about it. Kids fight. Kids get hurt sometimes. No big deal. The Loud Talker scolded Slim Jim several times and put him in a timeout once. But things just kept escalating. Finally, the last time it happened, it was another headlock and he knocked him to the ground. I yelled at Slim Jim and pried his little hands from around Kid's neck. I proceeded to yell at him some more about him acting unacceptable and how you don't treat babies like that. I'm sure I shocked the hell out of the other moms, but if he's not listening to his mom then I guess it's my turn to step in. He didn't touch him after that.

The worst part was that I was *right there* the whole time. Slim Jim is sneaky. He was playing over by the other kids off the deck and would sneak up by us when I wasn't looking. Then BAM he would attack him. I guess I should've just left, but I feel like a jerk for always leaving early. I know when it's my day to host, I hate when people pack up super early after I went through all the trouble of preparing food, cleaning the house, etc.

Being a mom is really a balancing act. I never imagined it would be like this. You have to balance work and home, friends and family, family time and "me" time as well as a billion other things. It's hard to find the right balance. I wonder if it's ever going to be easier. I'm guessing probably not.

Posted in: POOR BABY IS TAKING THE LONGEST NAP EVER on Tuesday, July 29, 2008 at at 1:03 PM 0 comments  

-Just two more bites and you can be done.
-Close the bathroom door!
-We do NOT hit each other!
-Use your words because I can't understand whining.
-Keep your shoes ON when we go outside!
-Take your shoes OFF when we come back inside!
-Get in the corner! NOW!
-Keep your blankey in your room!
-That's not mushroom, it's a new kind of chicken.
-Where did you hide your peanut butter sandwich?

Throw in a couple of "Are you freaking kidding me?" and "I said NO" and you basically have my day in a nut shell. Kid #3 successfully flushed an entire roll of toilet paper down today because someone... (Kid #2) left the bathroom door open (again!). Kid #4 gave himself a toilet water facial today thanks to the same circumstances. If I wasn't trying to potty train Kid #3, I would install a lock on the outside of the door that only I could reach.

As for the mushroom/chicken drama, I made a kick ass casserole for dinner and I knew that I would butt heads with the kids over it. I'm not opposed to lying to them though so that helps. Everything to them is one of the following items: chicken, rice, cheese, spaghetti, pizza, or cake. I just pick and choose whatever fits the best. Today mushrooms were chicken. Beef has also been chicken. Stuffed green peppers were pizza rice. I can't claim fame to that one though. I stole that goody from my mom who convinced Little Sis that pizza rice was the best meal ever. She scarfed it up every time too. So yes, lying is the right way. They can find out for themselves when they are old enough.

Posted in: I FEEL A REPEAT OF LAST NIGHT IS IN ORDER on Sunday, July 27, 2008 at at 2:39 PM 1 comments  

While searching pictures on photobucket which sadly enough has become a new favorite past time of mine, I came across that little freakazoid. What the hell is that thing?

What I was looking for was a picture of some crazy, zoning out, zombie eyes so I could fully describe how I'm feeling right now thanks to 1/3 of an "all-natural" energy drink. All natural my ass! I feel like I'm going to climb out of my own skin and jump rope for seven hours. I mixed it with some light orange juice because the energy drink alone tasted too strong for me and the juice tastes like shit by itself. Two wrongs make a right, no?

I'm going to go embrace my new found energy by scrubbing the bathtub until I can see through it. It's going to be AWESOME!

Posted in: ZING ZING ZING on at at 11:47 AM 0 comments  

Me, sunburnt, in my quiet house because my kids are sleeping (finally) watching Weeds free online drinking organic smoothies spiked with rum.

This is how I feel right now

Posted in: GOING TO POLISH OFF THE REST NOW on Saturday, July 26, 2008 at at 7:28 PM 1 comments  

For the first time in my life, I ate fish on Sunday. It really wasn't as bad as I've heard. It was hella fried so it tasted like chicken. That didn't stop my arms from trembling though. To think, a grown woman afraid of fish. It's kind of pathetic.

Posted in: I CAN SAY THAT NOW THAT I'VE TRIED IT on Tuesday, July 22, 2008 at at 6:09 AM 2 comments  

Wii Fit has no mercy. This machine tries its best to keep my fat ass in check. "Why the weight gain?" it asks me. Then I have to pick from a list of options like "I ate too much," "I haven't been working out," or "I'm a fat ass." Well not really the last one, but you get the point.

So two days ago after a 5 day hiatus because of Big Daddy's vacation I decided to hop back on. I was psyched to unlock a new exercise which involves holding one hand above my head and going from standing to laying and back again in like 10 seconds. All the while keeping your arm straight up and still. Yeah, I suck at this. My body is hella out of shape. I used muscles in my legs that I forgot existed. I knew it was going to be bad when, after my workout, my knees buckled while walking down the hallway.

O.M.G. Pure hell.

I can't bend my knees my thighs ache so bad. I can almost feel the tension in my muscles just sitting here typing this. And it's been 2 days! Walking down the stairs to do laundry is almost comical. I'm like Frankenstein. I ended up just walking sideways down the steps swinging my legs around like they're prosthetic. It's quite a sight.

The smart thing to do would be to hop back on today and do some yoga and stretching. This is probably not going to happen though. I'm discouraged and have to attend a play date in 2 hours and just don't feel like collapsing in front of my peers. Maybe when I get home, but seriously don't hold your breath.

Posted in: FRANKENMOMMY on at at 5:56 AM 0 comments  

I ate more veggies today. Out of my own garden. I think this officially qualifies me as a grown up.

Posted in: NEXT WEEK I'LL TRY ORDERING MY OWN PIZZA on Monday, July 21, 2008 at at 3:10 PM 0 comments  

about potty training.

Kid #3 is going to be 3 in a month. Typically, I don't push to potty train my kids. Kid #1 was 3 1/2 before he decided to potty train and he only did it because his dad promised him a video game.

But I need this. Just this once I need something from her. She's smart enough to hide when she wants to poop so she's smart enough to sit down and go when she has to go. I think she's only holding out to see how far I'll go before I start giving her money or promise her I'll get rid of the rest of the kids or something. Plus, I'm sick of reading other people say "Oh my kid potty trained at 15 months!" WTF. How can that be possible?

So do it for me Kid. Do me this one favor and I'll be forever grateful.

Posted in: YOU COULD EVEN PRETEND YOU'RE 'GOING GREEN' -- ANYTHING on Sunday, July 20, 2008 at at 9:25 AM 1 comments  

Kid #3 needs to potty train. Pronto. I've tried bribes of candy and I just eat it all. Or she sneaks into wherever I hid it and eats it all. She is stealth and too smart for her own good.

She has some regular easy training pants that she loves to pee in. She also has some Barbie and Care Bear underwear that she will soak when given the chance. So imagine my delight when yesterday she asked for "Bob Bob undaweahs." I know I haven't seen them in stores (I've looked everywhere) so I decided to trust my good pal Google and see what I could find.

What luck! Amazon came up! Happily, I click the link and "Not Available." Hm, okay. I try the next couple links and nothing. There is an eBay seller that has them, but I refuse to use eBay anymore. It used to be this cool online garage sale of sorts. Now, it's a greedy haven for overpriced crap that people scarf up before the regular consumers even get out of bed. Hate it!

I found another online place that sells a 3 pack for $7 plus shipping. I'm a cheap ass mofo. $15 for 3 tiny scraps of material held together by elastic? I don't think so.

So I'm resorting to buying her boys "undaweahs" at Target today. I already have a gift card for them anyway and she won't know the difference.

Posted in: UNDAWEAHS AWE FOR BIG GOULS on at at 9:09 AM 1 comments  

Tootsie woke up yesterday in a panic. The sky was gray and the soon it began to pour. Not what she was expecting for her outdoor wedding on the lake. Luckily, the sky cleared up in time for the festivities and all was well.

The reception was a blast! It wasn't too hot or too cold. The food was awesome! Our table got to go first behind the head table. I see the play group is more important to her than I had imagined. I suppose it was easiest to get the kids fed first though so they could be shipped out quicker. Smart thinker that Tootsie is!

Tootsie's parents are full blooded German so they had the bride and groom saw a log together which is tradition they said. Personally, I have never heard of such a thing. It is supposed to be a quick, sentimental task that they complete together before dinner is served.

What it turned into was the most hilarious 15 minutes of the night. Watching the couple use a dull blade on this log was hysterical. The log was already cut three quarters of the way through too. On top of it, the groom cuts down trees for a living. It ended up taking the groom and the bride's father sawing, with the bride's mother pushing down on the short end and their oldest son sitting on the longer end just to get this damn thing to snap in half. I actually got up and went to the bathroom during this time, joked with the bride, came back to my table and had time to drink a glass of champagne before it was finished. The problem was that the middle of the log was filled with coins so they were essentially trying to cut through metal.

It was definitely one of the most bizarre, yet most fun wedding receptions I've ever been to. Here's another example of their quirkiness.



Yes, that is camouflage. Yes, the bride on top has her legs wrapped around the groom. And yes, the groom is grabbing her butt.

I planned on taking a ton more pictures, but of course, I forgot to change the batteries in my camera before we left and they died as soon as I got there. Lame.

Posted in: THE CHAMPAGNE MADE IT ALL WORTHWHILE on at at 6:39 AM 0 comments  

for LOLZ.

It all started with those stupid little LOL cats. They're so cute and cuddly and damn hilarious. My favorite site is THIS one.

Now, they have taken two of my favorite things and combined them. To me, this is bigger than twist cones (and I have a deep love for twist cones). They have combined... wait for it... LOST and LOLZ here!

Feel free spending your days enjoying the fine art of LOLZ while you pretend to be working or that thing called parenting.

Posted in: THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY FOR ME on Saturday, July 19, 2008 at at 12:11 PM 0 comments  

Srsly. I can not for the life of me figure out the way to get fancy shit on my blog. I want a google tracker. I want to see where the readers are from. I want fancy shtuffff! I need the HTML for dummies book.

Posted in: DUMB DUMB DUMB on Friday, July 18, 2008 at at 8:03 AM 1 comments  

14 to be exact. From my very own dysfunctional garden.

Now it would not be such a disaster if I had any sort of idea what I was doing, but I don't. I've read countless tips on the internet, asked fellow gardening buddies and read gardening magazines galore, but I still can't have this productive garden like other people are capable of.

Lets start off with my tomatoes. I have two areas with tomatoes (don't ask). The one area that coincidently has full sun exposure is dying. Before you say "DUH! THEY NEED WATER!" Yes, I realize this. I water these bastards. I water them early in the morning or late at night and YES, I only water the bottom, not the leaves and shit. However, these plants are shriveling up like Estelle Getty. They're suffering from ugly brown and black spots on the leaves and stems. The trusty internetz tell me this means they are diseased. How did they catch said disease? No. Fucking. Clue. Needless to say, I have to yank the bastards out and dispose of them away from my garden so they don't spread the funk.

Now, lets talk beans. Half my bean plants, along with my spinach, various herbs, a majority of my peas, my watermelon and broccoli did not even come up. Why? Probably the torrential downpours that happened shortly after I planted, but still it irritates me. I spent hours digging out fucking holes and rows to plant this shit. The least it can do is sprout! But noooooooo. So I have a couple bean plants that were good to me. They each gave me a few beans yesterday so I could enjoy them with dinner. There was just enough for me to share with Kid #3 & #4 who think anything that is slathered in butter and salt is tasty.

I'm not optimistic about my corn. It's damn short for being mid-July and I'm pretty sure this means it's going to yield nothing except wasted space this year. What a disappointment.

Big Daddy likes to blame the garden solely on me. First it was I water too much. "My mom never waters her garden" is what I constantly hear. She even reiterated that when she came to visit. Whatev! Then Big Daddy flipped the switch and said "Well, aren't you watering it?" Uh, you just told me NOT to! *sigh* Annoying, isn't it?

This is what I don't understand. How did people make it this far? How did the Native Americans live? With all of the advanced knowledge available and I still can't grow shit, but they could grow well enough to eat for a year! WTF am I doing wrong? It's enough to make me say screw it and head to the grocery store.

Posted in: I'M OVER IT on at at 6:11 AM 3 comments  

Before

During

After

Posted in: I'LL SING 'BABY OF MINE' ALONE AND CRY TONIGHT on Thursday, July 17, 2008 at at 4:53 PM 0 comments  

Big Daddy always takes off the weeks of the kids' birthdays so this week was no exception. On Thursday, Kid #4 turns 1! I can't believe we (read: I) have survived an entire year of sleepless nights, marathon crying and breast feeding! Woo hoo!

Like any vacation week, Big Daddy has made a mental to-do list with about 100 things on it. Surprisingly, he is right on schedule. Granted this is only the beginning of day 2, but still I have to give the guy some props. He's managed to mow the lawn, take the cans to the recycling place (which earned us $50 cash!), reconfigure our rain barrels (which including transferring the water in/out repeatedly and building a new stand for them), set up the screen tent and took the lawn crap to the lawn crap drop off site.

In return, I made dinner and did the dishes. This led to phenomenal sex last night. See what happens when you're productive, you get rewards! *Sorry to Little Sis if you're reading this entry. I apologize for the loud bed rockin' that probably woke you up last night.

On Wednesday, we have plans to drive up north to the in-laws place and steal their boat. They're actually giving it to us basically because they're too old to be boating. I'm excited. This blows our canoe out of the water. At least with a motor boat, I won't get stuck in the middle of the lake with Kid #1 who paddles against me and screams "HELP!" at the top of his lungs.

On Saturday, we have Tootsie's wedding reception. I even managed to score a babysitter for the event about 5 days earlier than I typically would. Good thing my mom called me this morning or I would've waited until Saturday morning.

On a side note, have you ever watched iCarly? My girls are obsessed with it. Of course, I didn't realize this until just now when they started singing along to the theme song. They're almost 5 and 3 and they know the words. Weird.

Posted in: THIS EXPLAINS WHY I WON'T BE AROUND KTHXBAI on Monday, July 14, 2008 at at 10:23 AM 2 comments  

Imagine that! Fun. At a party. Shocking, I know.

The Loud Talker was also shocked as she thought she was just going out to dinner with her husband and kids. As soon as she drove up she stopped the car and started bawling. It was so sweet. Seeing as she is so loud, I thought for sure she would just scream, but I forget that she is incredibly sentimental and all around a good person, and she just sobbed.

I didn't get to stay around for the presents. After being there for 2 hours we had only eaten dinner! These people know how to put on a good spread! I pigged out on homemade gnocchi which Tootsie is famous for and some of granny's homemade scalloped potatoes and ham. OMG, I think I gained 5lbs just looking at all the food. There was seriously a spread like I have never seen before. These people like to eat. No wonder why I'm friends with them.

I had to get back home with the kiddos because I promised them ice cream tonight for being good for grandma. She watched the older ones while I just brought Kid #4 with me. I wish I could have stayed longer, but this family parties until it's so dark you can't see your hand in front of your face and I knew that Kid #4 wouldn't last much longer. His bedtime is like 7 p.m. and he'll let ya know if he's tired and it's not pretty.

One funny story real quick that I have to share.

Kid #4 is still nursing (a lot) and I was lazy earlier today and was only nursing him on the left side (I'm right handed so this way I can still surf the internet while feeding him). Priorities. So I'm standing around holding Kid #4 and chatting about flea markets when all of a sudden I feel it. It starts to tingle just below my neck and I'm like "oh shit." Milk seriously shoots out of my shirt by like an inch on my left side! I was wearing nursing pads, but it must have shifted down and yeah, talk about embarrassing. Luckily, only The Loud Talker noticed and she was a breast feeder so she knows what's up. I scooted off to the bathroom to clean myself up and nursed him until he was ready to explode.

Moral of the story: When in need of entertainment, just bring your lactating friend.

Posted in: I COULD WRITE MY NAME IN SNOW IF I WANTED on Saturday, July 12, 2008 at at 4:42 PM 2 comments  

This is getting to be too much for me. I'm beginning to think my friends don't understand how antisocial I really am. Perhaps it was the beer guzzling and dancing at the bachelorette party? All I know is that I'm expected to be at a surprise birthday party for one of the play group mamas in about 2 and 1/2 hours.

I've tried to come up with a hundred excuses why I couldn't go including my using my grandmother's deteriorating health. Nothing will work. Lets face it. I'm just going to have to sit around with a bunch of people I don't know, clinging to the ones I do know, while sweating to death in the 80% humidity while I get attacked by exactly 353 mosquitos. It's sure to be a blast.

The party is for The Loud Talker so I better bring some sort of ear muffs for the baby so he doesn't go deaf when she shrieks in surprise.

Did I mention what we are giving her as a gift? She's turning the big 3-0 next Friday so we're each giving her a $30 gift certificate to a spa. Times that by 4 play group mamas and you have yourself one fucking nice spa day!

I won't be posting any pics from this event because I have a small planet on my chin right now. No one needs to see that. It's horrifying.

Posted in: TIME TO BREAK OUT THE INVISIBILITY CLOAK on at at 10:35 AM 0 comments  

Wasn't too bad!

I got drunk off Jamaican Long Islands and had a lovely bacon cheeseburger dinner that I don't remember tasting. The best part is we WALKED to the restaurant! So on top of all of it, no worries of DUIs! Excellent! I got a free drink for my birthday AND a little cake with a candle which was great because no one in my family thought to make or buy me a cake. I really have to thank my mom for this dinner because she was the one that offered to babysit so we (Big Daddy, Little Sister, and I) could go out in the first place.

So lets get into the presents! What do you think I got? Fancy jewelry? Nope. Spa gift certificate? Naw. I got clothes pins and the bag to hold them in. That proves right there that I have a husband that listens. That is actually what I asked for. So ladies, there is hope. Men can hear after all!

I even got to end the night with a hot, sweaty session right there in my living room. It was amazing! Oh, but it wasn't sex, it was Wii Fit. I love that thing!

Posted in: IT WAS AMAZING on Friday, July 11, 2008 at at 6:30 AM 0 comments  

Don't be hasty now, it's the 10th. But I'm sure I'll have so many luxurious things to do tomorrow like running to Kmart, doing laundry and sweeping the floor 20 times that I won't have time to get on the internetz tomorrow.


more cat pictures

Posted in: PRESENTS ARE WELCOME on Wednesday, July 9, 2008 at at 6:20 PM 1 comments  

I've been waiting for this for what feels like forever, but she's here! She's finally here!

Posted in: BRING ON THE BURN on at at 6:11 PM 0 comments  

Juno.

I thought I would really like this movie. Juno seems to be the kind of girl I would've been friends with out of fear in high school. I'm glad Big Daddy was still up north so he didn't have to watch it. He would've hated it. He only likes chick flicks with happy endings where everyone lives happily ever after.

Not that this movie's ending was sad or anything. I mean, I cried, but I really don't know why. I think just because a baby was born. It's that sentimental mom hormone thing that brings on the waterworks when a newborn enters the world.

I know the reason why I didn't like the movie.

The males. Paul, the baby daddy and Jason Bateman's character that I can't remember his name right now.

Paul wasn't involved in the pregnancy at all. Um, hello. You helped create this kid. How are you not even going to go to a doctor's appointment with her or anything? He mentally checked out. I was disappointed in him.

Jason Bateman's character pissed me off by leaving his wife Vanessa (Jennifer Garner) at the end of the movie. Yeah, marriage isn't always rainbows and sunshine asshole. And quit macking on Juno. She's 15 years younger than you! AND knocked up! What a dick wad.

All in all, very disappointed in the movie. I know that not every pregnant woman has a strong partner to rely on, but man this movie just drilled the point across. I think I need to see a Big Daddy approved movie next time. Only happy endings allowed.

Posted in: I WATCH TV TO ESCAPE REALITY THANKS on Sunday, July 6, 2008 at at 10:58 AM 2 comments  

Okay so I'm far from patriotic. My patriotism goes as far as dressing my kids up in red, white and blue on the fourth of July and that's only because they look super cute in those colors. Especially my boys. They have that wholesome, All-American look about them.

Anyway, I tried to fake it again this year and attend the parade in the town Big Daddy works and then fireworks in our hometown at the lakefront. Kid #1 had 3 different offers to be in the parade. Once from school, another from his baseball coach and lastly his Cub Scout pack. He chose Cub Scouts after I convinced him it was the most fun of them all. I was right too! He got to hand out popsicles to kids while he walked the parade route. He thought that was hella cool.



Kid #2 was less than pleased at our parade experience. She's the shy one so she didn't want to run out and fight the other kids for candy nor did she want the nice ladies in front of us to give her the candy they managed to snag from the Annoying Kid.



Annoying Kid is this I would guesstimate 11 year old boy that has made it his personal mission to accumulate as much candy as humanly possible at this parade. He also accepts cash. If you do not give him any, he will not go away. Srsly. We first meet Annoying Kid when he asks Kid #2 if he can show her a magic trick. She is not having it. She gives him the death stare and then hides behind Big Daddy. We tell him to show us anyway and he made a pen go through a business card. Magnetic pen, whooptideedoo. We tell him how great he is and he just stands there assumably waiting for compensation. We don't give him anything and try to ignore him. But he's right there practically breathing down the back of my neck. Then he asks if he can show us another one. Ugh. Fine. You're obviously starving for attention so go ahead. He guesses what card Big Daddy pulled out of the deck. A little impressive. Then he just stands there. I'm mouthing the words "GIVE HIM A DOLLAR" to Big Daddy. He finally reaches in his pocket, fishes out the cash and hands it over. The kid says thank you and goes away (finally). I didn't find that too annoying, but he had only began to make his impression on us. He proceeded to beg every.single.person for candy that was on every.single.float. He devised a plan to appeal to their sensitive side. "I only got ONE THING so far! Please give me candy!" Srsly. So they give him candy for his empty grocery bag and he proceeds to empty it into another grocery bag with his entire stash so he can play it up for the next float. Asshat. He then bragged to his hillbilly dad that he "Executed his Master Plan perfectly" while his dad dug through his bag for a Now and Later. It was disturbing. Everyone around us had their jaw on the floor and I couldn't help but think this is our future car salesman. Or politician. Sickening.

The parade ends and we go home to chill and wait for the fireworks. Four days later the fireworks start. Not really, but OMG it felt like four days. Yesterday was the longest day of my life.

Our fireworks are down by the lakefront. The mix of people there is pretty diverse. You have your families, your teenage-too-cool-for-family-time groups, and the assholes who ignore the fireworks ban and set them off anyway. I only mind one of the groups. From the following story you will find out which one.

There's a group of drunks that come stumbling onto the beach just as the fireworks start. They stand in front of us (we're sitting in lawn chairs) and block the view. The kids start yawning and I'm ready to fall asleep. The fireworks end and the drunks have only just begun! Immediately, they light up something and wake up Kid #3 who had fallen asleep in Big Daddy's lap. She starts crying. We're packing up our chairs as fast as possible and these asses keep on lighting off their fireworks. They're only 20 feet away from us so I'm a little paranoid about someone getting hurt (we've had fireworks skim past our heads before 2 years ago so I have reason to be worried, ya know). All of a sudden they light off one that explodes! Fire is shooting every which way including AT US! Big Daddy and I throw the kids into the sand and have to lay on top of them to protect them. Other families throw blankets over their kids. Some people just start running. I lose it. I start screaming at them. I believe "Fuck you! Stop fucking setting those off! You're scaring the fuck out of my kids!" came out of my mouth. I was shaking. Totally shaking.

So now my kids are terrified of fireworks. We will not be going back. We need to find a real family friendly place to see them, but not for a few years. Kid #3 says "Fiawooks awe scaweee!"

Posted in: DRAMA DOESN'T TAKE A HOLIDAY on Saturday, July 5, 2008 at at 2:30 PM 0 comments  

Total effin chaos. Kidding. It wasn't that bad.

My BFF made the trek down to visit and we met up at the zoo with our set of crazy wild animals. We haven't seen each other in over a year which is incredibly too long.

Aren't they just the cutest?

So we exchanged birthday gifts which covers the months of May, June, July and August. Kid #1 got an Aqua Pet (think Tamagotchi fish) and has killed it repeatedly. Kid #2 got Moon Sand. Half of the sand is now in my backyard. The other half is in the garbage can. Fuuuuuuuck Moon Sand. Kid #3 got an Aquadoodle puzzle. She likes to chew on the pen because water comes out. Kid #4 got a bunch of adorable shirts and BONUS they were on clearance (which as you all know makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside).

Anyway, back to the zoo. We're walking around, checking out the animals, when I look up and see a black sky. Not just a little dark. Nooooo. BLACK. We need to get to the Wolf Lodge immediately. The WL is where me and BFF always hide out because it's air conditioned and no one ever goes in it because the wolves suck. They *never* come out. You *never* see them. I was beginning to think they didn't even exist.

Back to the story.

I'm double timing it to the lodge. BFF's kids are lolly gagging and being typical 3 and 5 year olds. No time for that kids. RUN! We get settled in on a bench in the lodge and CRASH! Lightning, thunder and a whole hell of a lot of rain. You'll never guess what we saw next. The freaking wolves! Apparently, all they need is a good rain to get their asses moving. So yes, the wolves do exist. It is not a hoax.

The wolf lodge got pretty packed with kids thanks to a day camp group trying to escape the rain. No biggie. The rain stopped and we went about our business. However, it wasn't exactly pleasant. I'm wearing flip flops and it just down poured. My feet is sopping wet and making that icky, squishing sound. Yuck. The kids are upset because the rain drops are falling off the trees and they want to use the umbrellas which of course they fight over. Not only that, but kids don't have the same sort of self awareness that adults have. So they're basically poking the shit out of everyone without a care in the world.

So BFF and I are wearing thin on patience and general sanity. Her oldest kid who is the same age as Kid #2 is begging to go on the train. This kid loves trains more than I love Taco Bell. People, this is serious. The boy needs that train! So over to the train we head.

We're chilling in line waiting for the train to come back and pick us up when CRASH! More lightning, thunder and a shit ton of rain.



Due to some sort of lame safety rule, the train will not be going again until it stops raining. This is NOT what we like to hear. The kids remained fairly calm and I only had to make Kid #3 apologize once for hitting/punching/pushing/something. Honestly, I can't even remember. She's always doing something.

Finally, the rain stopped and our train ride could finally begin. As you can tell the kids were super excited. Kid #4 attempted jumping off the train several times and I had to hold him down like he was a mental patient on suicide watch.



At this point, I wanted desperately to go home. I broke my hair tie on that stupid train and it was 100% humidity outside. That does not make for a happy mommy. I was practically running to the car. Let me tell you, that air conditioning never felt as good as it did that afternoon. It was heavenly.

And wouldn't you know it, just as we pulled out of the parking lot, the sun came out.---------

Posted in: I JUST SPILLED BEER ON THE KEYBOARD- FUUUUCK on Thursday, July 3, 2008 at at 6:28 PM 1 comments  

On top of the fridge.

Because that's where everyone puts holiday cards, right?

Posted in: NOW I HAVE TO SAVE THESE FOR A FUCKING YEAR on Wednesday, July 2, 2008 at at 6:31 PM 1 comments