Parenting is Overrated

Nothing says "get off my fucking ass" like a vanity plate.

Posted in: I'M STILL LAUGHING on Friday, October 31, 2008 at at 10:13 AM 1 comments  

Halloween is like Hanukah at my house. It's not one day of fun. No, it's a week of activities.

First we have Kid #1's school party. This is the party with the vomit. Here are the two kids left standing after that party.

Then we have the actual trick or treat day. This always is the Sunday before Halloween in my town. I have no idea why. They have it from 3-6pm which is a step above the previous 1-3pm they used to enforce (boo!). Nothing like trick or treating in the middle of the day!

On this particular Sunday, the temperature was a whopping 50 degrees. Now, that's actually quite warm for Wisconsin in the fall to be honest. However, when you have 35mph sustained winds and 50mph gusts, it feels more like 35 degrees. Not fun. Especially not fun when you have kids with colds that have looked forward to this day for months.

Kid #3 managed to make it to a couple houses and then she quit. Big Daddy carried her home and I went off with Kid #2.



Where was Kid #1 you ask? At stupid play practice which is always scheduled at the exact time as trick or treating. Lucky for him, he can still trick or treat at his dad's neighborhood tonight.

Now Kid #4 didn't even make it out to trick or treat this year. He threw a fit when we put on his costume and then fell asleep shortly thereafter. So he stayed home with Little Sis and got his nap on. Too bad though because he was totally adorable as a mouse.



This brings us to Wednesday which is Kid #2's school Halloween party. Big Daddy and I volunteered to work the "Golf Game" which was totally lame. The balls weren't even totally round and when they did choose to roll, they skidded halfway across the gym floor. Kid #2 had a blast though! The little ones were too scared of the costumes to have fun. They were like koala bears clutched to Little Sis while she toted them around for me.

So finally, today is Halloween and I am SO. OVER. IT. We're planning on a quiet trip to the library after nap time and laundry drying on the clothes line because wouldn't you know it, it's 65 degrees and sunny today!

Posted in: AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT GAINS WEIGHT AT HALLOWEEN on at at 9:55 AM 0 comments  

Last night was Kid #1's school's Halloween party. 90 minutes of pop music, costumes, games and vomit.

Wait? Vomit? Oh yes. Vomit. Because no night with our family would be complete without drama.

It all started around 4 p.m. yesterday. Kid #3 has run herself ragged all week. No naps. Going to bed late. Waking up before dawn. She's a pistol. So she crashes in her bed. Crap. We have to leave at 5:30 to get to the party at 6. I let her sleep for an hour and then get her up to change her into her costume. She is not herself. Sluggish, unhappy, and just plain crabby.

We get to the party. Find a place by the wall to stand for the evening (because you know I'm anti-social and Big Daddy is the same) and adjust costumes as necessary. Kid #3 wants 'uppies' as we call it. So Big Daddy picks her up and ...

Vomit. All over his jacket. All over her costume. All over the floor. Lovely.

Big Daddy has no idea how to handle things like this. I have a huge fear of puke, but I go into robotic mom mode and just start... doing... instead of thinking. Like usual, I have to bark out orders to him.

"Take her to the bathroom!" "Try to clean her up." I strategically place Kid #2 in front of the vomit (she hasn't even noticed yet) while I run for napkins.

Crisis averted, right? Wrong!

Big Daddy takes her home and then sends Little Sis back to the party with the van so you know, we have a ride home. The older kids have a blast at the party. Kid #2 played games. Kid #1 did the chacha slide. It was awesome! I come home to find Big Daddy in a panic.

Kid #3 is in her bed, not sleeping, just laying there, lethargic and pathetic as ever. I feel her head and she's on fire. 103.4 fever. Lovely. We try to give her some tylenol and it comes up faster than it went down. Into the bath she goes. That of course is a blast! Screaming, crying, whining until it's over.

Big Daddy dries her off and yells for me to come to the bathroom. He has the look of fear on his face which sends me into a panic. He tells me to feel her chest. Honestly, I have NEVER before in my life felt a child's heart beat so fast. I thought it was going to come shooting out of her chest. With her nasty cough, fever, and rapid heartbeat, my first thought is pneumonia. Probably because The Ashley has just dealt with it so it's at the forefront of my memory. Off to the ER we go!

By the time she gets checked in, her fever is gone. Srsly? Her lungs are fine despite her nasty cough. She can keep down fluids all of a sudden. Her heart was beating 134 beats a minute, but they said that was "okay." I still don't think that's okay, but whatever. So 2 hours in the ER for a diagnosis of "she's fine." Fucking A.

I realized today the reason why she got sick after all. We had plans today to drive up to visit my in-laws. Every fucking time we make plans to see them, one of the kids gets sick. Every. Fucking. Time.

The silver lining is that Big Daddy took the rest of the kids (yes INCLUDING the baby!) up to see them and I get to stay home with the sick one. I'm seriously jumping for joy. A whole day to watch TV and nap! Bliss! However, I will probably end up just cleaning and doing laundry as usual.

Posted in: 24 HOURS OF CRAZY on Saturday, October 25, 2008 at at 8:28 AM 0 comments  

In only one short week, I will be the proud owner of a Paraguard copper IUD. Finally! Birth control! Since Big Daddy is a baby about getting the vasectomy, then this is what has to happen. We are already outnumbered by kids. It's 2 to 1 per person. Anymore kids and we're going to need to hire a second wife to help out.

The initial appointment, you know one of those throw your legs in the air and tell me about your periods, was pretty crappy at best. The nurse practitioner was running late [of course] and I have a wicked head cold. I fell asleep in a gown waiting for her. I fully planned on whining about my depression and hoping she would give me some sort of anti-anxiety meds so I could veg out periodically, but I was just too sick. Instead, I just sat there and grunted "yes" and "no" as applicable.

My favorite was "So are you exercising?" She's a size 2. Gorgeous, physically fit, clear skin, cute clothes asking me 40lbs left to lose, face breaking out, wearing glasses because I'm out of contacts, stuffy and congested feeling ugly as hell. Puh-lease. I told it to her straight. "The only exercise I get is running to the bathroom to wipe a child's butt, or to the kitchen to see what [or who] fell off the counter, I've got 3 kids that still don't sleep through the night, so I'm in survival mode, not 'lets get physical' mode." That shut her up quick.

Posted in: ALSO I'M LAZY BUT I DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT on Thursday, October 23, 2008 at at 8:40 AM 3 comments  

It sucks when you spend time finding the perfect recipe, make sure you get all the ingredients, go back to the store to get the ingredient you forgot, then slave over a hot stove for hours (or throw it in your crock pot, whatever), just to have it turn out like crap.

My cream of potato soup is blah. Sooooo boring. I know that some cheese or ham would spice it up nicely, but I'm not going back to the store again. So for now I'm stuck sucking down this liquid mashed potato slop.

Posted in: CRAP I USED THE WRONG POTATOES on Monday, October 20, 2008 at at 1:31 PM 2 comments  

There are so many things wrong with this show. It's disturbing.

How did this guy get the name "Mystery"? I think the real mystery is "Why is he wearing aviator glasses on his hat?" What was he thinking when he put that ensemble together? I'm chilly AND I may fly a fighter jet today?

Where do they find these contestants? A 28 year old virgin? Really? How does that happen? He never met a woman that would just take one for the team? It's sad.

Some of these guys aren't half bad after a little makeover. The hippie looking guy is pretty cute now that he got a fucking hair cut. Matt looks decent enough since he got some fake teeth. Teeth count people.

I can't stand the way Mystery talks about dating. Like it's this calculated venture. Opening up "sets," all these abbreviations (FTC = false time constraint), using a "neg," it's like computer geek speak to me.

It does make for some good Sunday morning guilty pleasure TV watching though. Nothing like an awkward train wreck to keep America entertained.

Posted in: IT'S NOT ART on Sunday, October 19, 2008 at at 3:09 PM 2 comments  

Meeting him was the highlight of my year. Srsly.

Posted in: HE'S REALLY BONY AND PALE YET SEXY on at at 9:38 AM 0 comments  

I just pray that the kids take it easy on Big Daddy. They've been... lively at night lately.

Posted in: WHO CARES- YAY FOR ME on Saturday, October 18, 2008 at at 9:54 AM 0 comments  

Like I said in my last post there were 6 puppies. I have no idea how many boys and how many girls. I heard they have stumpy Corgi-like legs (yuck). That's about as much as I know. My mother says I can visit, but only if I just poke my head in the door. It's not like I was going to run over and maul these puppies. I'm not an idiot.

However, my mother is.

She actually thought she could go to a pet store and buy "puppy milk." How can the person that gave me life be so incredibly clueless? It's almost painful.

Posted in: IT'S DEFINITELY EMBARASSING on at at 9:39 AM 0 comments  

"Ma'am, I am required to tell you your answers indicate you may be suffering from depression. You should contact your primary care physician or a therapist." That was what the survey lady said from the University. Her phone survey was about the physical and mental health of me, the parent of Kid #2. Sorry lady, it was a bad week.

"I'm his chaperone." That was Kid #2's teacher. She was supposed to be responsible for Chevy (yes, like the car, full name Chevrolet, I swear) who wandered off at the pumpkin farm. He was found by a farm employee and she coincidentally found the class just as we realized he was gone. One of the other parents said "Who was supposed to be Chevy's chaperone?" The teacher totally shot herself in the foot assigning herself to the 3 worst kids in class. Oh well.

"If you don't stop singing right now I will hang up this phone." That was my sister's reaction to my mom calling and singing The Brady Bunch theme song instead of saying hello. Apparently, this was to announce the birth of 6 puppies at her house. My sister says not even puppies are a good enough reason to hear her sing. I agree.

Posted in: IT WAS QUITE A WEEK on Friday, October 17, 2008 at at 2:57 PM 0 comments  

That shit ain't happening!

Posted in: I GUESS I WON'T DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY AFTER ALL on at at 2:56 PM 0 comments  

Yeah.

That's the only job to call me back so far. Hospital housekeeping. I have an interview tomorrow. I do not want this job. However, I am so broke that I will suck it up and do it for my family.

Posted in: THINK OF ME TOMORROW AT 4 on Wednesday, October 15, 2008 at at 7:29 AM 2 comments  

I applied for a billion jobs last night. We're broker than broke. I would rather saw off my left foot than get a job, but I don't have a choice. It's either a job or we lose this cool thing we bought a couple years ago called a house. Well, it's not quite that bad, but it's heading down that road.

Send me your positive vibes. Or money. Money is also welcome.

Posted in: THIS ISN'T A PAYING GIG on Tuesday, October 14, 2008 at at 9:15 AM 4 comments  

1. Call your mother.

2. Nope, that's it. Just don't call your mother.

So yeah I'm bored. Sitting at home, fighting off killer ladybugs, playing with Kid #4, waiting [impatiently] for Kid #1 to be done with play practice so I have someone to talk to. I decide to call her. Devil woman that giveth life to me. Big mistake.

I was on a bargain high before I called. I just figured out that I will have laundry soap until the end of time and with the economy the way it is, every penny NOT spent counts. I wanted to share with someone, anyone, that would care. My mother was always a cheap ass and my grandmother is still the Queen of Frugality so I thought she would be impressed.

Nope. She shit all over my bargain high.

Her negativity sucked all of my happiness away like a Dyson. Swiftly and thoroughly.

Posted in: COME HOME BIG DADDY- I'M LONELY on Saturday, October 11, 2008 at at 5:20 PM 2 comments  

I did a little science experiment today. I made like 2 gallons of goo. Why you ask? Well on top of being bored out of my fucking mind today (sans 2 of the 4 kids and Big Daddy), we are totally out of laundry soap and my cheap ass went googling.

I came up with this site. I decided to make up a batch myself to see how well it works. I'm still in the 24 hour goo-settling period so I won't know until tomorrow how it's going to turn out. All in all, very freaking easy though and cheap as hell!

I used Ivory soap and well didn't exactly read how many ounces the bar was, but whatever. It was .99 for a 3 pack. Making each bar .33. I used 1/3 of a bar making the cost .11 for the entire load.

Then there's the Arm & Hammer super washing soda (different from baking soda!) that I scored at my grocery store one day in the too-beat-up-to-charge-you-full-price bin for $1.25. It's a 55oz box and 1/2 cup weighs 4.2oz according to this chick so I'll just go with it. Anyway, it ends up being 9.5 cents so we'll just round to 10 cents.

Next is Borax which Little Sis didn't even know they sold at the store. I'm opening up a whole new world of thrifty living in her eyes. Eventually, she will use this knowledge to move out of my freaking house, but I don't see that one happening anytime soon. Back to the Borax! It's a 76oz box and I got it for $4.39. It's heavier than the A&H soda at a whopping 3.5oz per 1/2 cup bringing my total price to 20 cents per batch.

Add those up and I spent 41 cents per batch of laundry soap. Each batch makes 2 gallons of this crap! So 64 loads (1/2 cup scoop) will end up costing less than 1 cent per load. $0.0064 to be exact.

I have an HE washer so I'll probably end up using 1/4 cup instead which would bring the cost down to $0.0032 per load. You can't beat that price!

Posted in: PLUS YOUR HOUSE SMELLS NICE LIKE IVORY SOAP on at at 2:32 PM 1 comments  

October 18th!

I can not wait!

Posted in: JOEL MCHALE IS THE SHIT on Thursday, October 9, 2008 at at 10:11 AM 0 comments  

This weekend is going to be awesome! Just me and my boys all weekend. Big Daddy is taking the girls up north to the cabin and they're going to hang out with my in-laws. He's a little miffed that we won't be joining him, but Kid #1 has a busy weekend scheduled with his stupid school play and I can't take another verbal lashing from my ex about missing a practice [it was an accident, I swear!].

Here's to a weekend of TV, quietly reading and lounging in the back yard on the last warm weekend of the year!

Posted in: HIGH OF 75- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT on at at 9:54 AM 0 comments  

I was having problems with my blogger account. However, they are now resolved so back to my regularly scheduled bitching.

Posted in: MISSED YA on at at 9:53 AM 0 comments  

I can't remember if I ever talked about my friend, The Quiet One. She's one of the play group moms and I adore her. Seriously, I wish I was her. She's smart, skinny, petite, has a ginormous house and a rich husband. She though was probably envious of me. She has PCOS and has a really hard time getting knocked up. However, I'm one of those women that looks at a man and 9 months later pops out a kid.

After many failed attempts at IUIs, they tried IVF. Success! Success! Yes, she's pregnant. Yes, she's pregnant. Why am I saying everything twice? Because she's pregnant with TWINS!

I'm totally jealous (even as I pray for Big Daddy to get a vasectomy), but I'm so freaking excited for her I could scream!

Posted in: DOUBLE THE BABIES- DOUBLE THE FUN on Tuesday, October 7, 2008 at at 11:48 AM 1 comments  

I'm about to hop back on the prozac train to take a trip back to this place called NORMALCY. After two months of attempting to tough it out, I've surrendered to the fact that I will indeed be on this medication until I croak. Part of me is sad that I will be contributing to the big pharma revolution again. The other part of me says fuck it, it's either this or I jump in front of a bus.

Posted in: $4 SCRIPS AT WALMART- BARGAINING WITH THE DEVIL HIMSELF on Monday, October 6, 2008 at at 3:04 PM 3 comments  

when you ground your 9 year son from TV and video games for a week.

Then he inspires his siblings to do the same.

Posted in: CREATIVITY- DEY HAZ IT on Friday, October 3, 2008 at at 6:48 AM 2 comments  

This fugly thing has taken residence in my freezer.

Big Daddy could not have been more proud of his catch. I can't really complain. It is free food and when you're broke anything counts. Lucky for me, he will eat it himself and it'll probably take him a week so I can make whatever I want like vegetable soup and not have to listen to him complain about it.

Awesome!

Posted in: IT WAS PREGNANT AND I CRIED on at at 6:38 AM 1 comments  

At our house, dramatime is the time of the day when the older kids get home from school. They have a snack and do their homework while I make dinner. It is by far the worst time of the day for me.

It's high pressure. I try to explain interdependence to my fourth grader while reminding him that the answers to his workbook page are in fact in the text book. I'm listening to the cries of a baby who is hanging on my leg. Is he tired? Probably. Is he hungry? Probably. Do I have time to find out? Not really. Kid #2 is usually begging me to play Mario Kart on our Wii which I remind her that I do not have time, I do not want to play and we don't play video games until everything else is done. This sends her into tears. Of course. Just like every other thing. Kid #3 whines and pouts because she thinks we should be eating already. Not like she will even touch anything I made anyway. She just wants a plain wheat bagel or a piece of cheese.

Dramatime has me ready to fucking kill someone. The noise level is far beyond anything I can tolerate and the worst part is, I'm on my own. Usually Big Daddy is still at work. Today he was off of work, but decided to go fishing. So dramatime was a solo parenting venture once again.

I'm now in the eye of the storm. This comes after dramatime, but before dinner. My chicken, roasted potatoes and peas are cooking. The kids are mostly finished with homework so I let them have free time for a little bit to unwind. The baby was in fact tired, so he is napping happily in the quiet house. Soon though all hell will break loose when dinner is served.

Posted in: NOW IT'S MILLER TIME on Wednesday, October 1, 2008 at at 1:22 PM 1 comments