Parenting is Overrated

Oh yes, Mommy Dearest realized that MTV, VH1, and The N are included in this Viacom mess. I can't deal with that.

How will I know who wins Real Chance of Chlamydia? These Tools need love!

Who will be infected next on A Double Shot of Penicillin? The "Ikki" twins crack me up. Why would you want to be known as icky? Also, on a side note, when I typed "double shot at love" into photobucket's search, it made me click on an "adult" link. Yowza!



I'm most saddened by the loss of my new BFF Degrassi: The Next Generation. These Canucks and their "aboots" and melodramatic story lines are filling the void that Dawson's Creek left in my heart. I love it so!



This CAN. NOT. HAPPEN.

Posted in: NO WAY NO HOW on Wednesday, December 31, 2008 at at 2:57 PM 0 comments  

Is there such a thing?

It looks like Time Warner Cable subscribers will find out if their cable company doesn't sign a deal with Viacom.

I bet they don't realize that they're putting children's lives at risk. Without Noggin and Nickelodeon to temporarily entertain their children, mothers everywhere will be forced to stop cooking, cleaning and taking showers. Eventually, the kids will starve to death in their own filth. That is, if their parents don't kill them first.

So Big Executive Assholes, please strike a deal and lets put this whole thing to rest right now or you will be responsible for the ending of civilization as we know it.

Posted in: TV KILLERS on at at 2:50 PM 0 comments  

I don't know if you noticed me or not, but I was the one behind you in line with a cart full of groceries and 3 kids ages 5 and under. You might not have been able to see them because the bus they call a "family" cart is about 25 feet long and I had many, many items in my cart.

I thought it was kind of humorous at first that you had 5 items and chose to go through a regular line. Did you know they have 6 self check-outs 2 aisles over? They even staff them with a cashier so if you're a dumb ass and can't figure it out, you will have human assistance.

I didn't think it was so humorous though when the other guy in line next to you with 2 items struck up a conversation with you and you ushered him in front of you. I mean, I'm sure he was thankful. Maybe he had somewhere to go? Maybe he was the Prince of some small country in the Mediterranean? Who knows. But when her urged you to look behind you to see there was a struggling mommy behind you and you said "Who cares. It's fine..." That was not fine.

All hell broke loose behind you. Kid #4 threw my bagels on the floor and then tried to escape the cart while I was retrieving them. While attempting to do this feat, his boots fell off and landed in two completely different locations [one of which being completely under the cart and under my line of vision].

During Boot Search and Rescue 2008, I hear a familiar voice behind me. Of course, this is the time we would run into Kid #2's Kindergarten teacher. Being either the nicest person on the planet, completely oblivious, or secretly full of glee, she compliments me on being able to handle 3 kids at the grocery store. I joke that I can't wait for school to be back in session and how I don't know how SHE does it. Sadly, that is the truth.

So Lady, next time when you have 20 or less items, please consider using the self check-out lanes. Especially when there are completely empty and the other lines are completely full. There is someone out there that is ready to blow and she might just be standing behind you.

Sincerely,
Mommy Dearest

Posted in: SOME STORES HAVE DAYCARE- OF COURSE NOT IN MY AREA on Monday, December 29, 2008 at at 9:53 AM 1 comments  

I am pathetically dreading today for no valid reason.

I have to clean today for tomorrow's play date. I don't know if I should clean today or wait for tomorrow morning. If I wait, what if I don't get done in time? If I clean today, I know the dog [or one of the kids] will poop and/or pee on the floor. You could also substitute any other plausible problem such as coloring with Sharpies on the walls, spilling milk on the couch, or setting off a bomb in the kitchen. All of these could happen.

This anxiety is crippling me. I debate so long about what I should do that I end up freaking out on everyone and scrubbing the floors by hand at midnight like Joan Crawford.

I think yesterday's overwhelming day has crapped on to today. I had to boil diapers. Yes, seriously. I stood over the stove for hours with a big pot of boiling water and handfuls of [clean, yet yeast infected] cloth diapers. During this time, the dog managed to push his way into my room and pooped in my closet. Then Kid #4 went searching for the dog, you know to further torture both the dog and himself, subsequently stepping in the poop and tracking it across the house. I thought I was going to have an aneurysm.

See why I don't want to clean? It's like shoveling during a blizzard with a spoon.

Posted in: I SHOULD'VE ASKED SANTA FOR STRAIGHT JACKETS AND VALIUM on at at 6:13 AM 0 comments  

I killed Christmas at exactly noon on December 25, 2008 this year. The Anti-Claus came and ripped the tree down as well as all the decorations. I couldn't stand having a chair in the middle of the living room anymore. Also, the dog would not stop peeing on the tree skirt which is beyond disgusting.

The kids were more upset than they were in previous years which for a minute I did feel slightly bad about. However, until they can learn to clean up dog urine and not touch the ornaments on the tree, they're just going to have to suffer.

The Anti-Claus has spoken.

Posted in: WAITING FOR VALENTINES DAY on Sunday, December 28, 2008 at at 10:26 AM 2 comments  

I'm so over the holidays. I know it's only 2 down and 1 to go, but considering New Years means absolutely nothing to a stay at home mom of four, I'm declaring it officially over.

Therefore, school may resume.

Yes, right now. Right at this very minute would be lovely because I can't take it anymore.

The fighting
The whining
The crying
The tantrums
The lack of control of bodily functions
The mess
The clutter
The lack of cash

and most importantly

The weather which has went from freezing to dumping feet of snow on the ground to raining and flooding and now it's back to freezing again.

I know that school being back in session will not change the weather, but it will help with the other items on my list so at least I will have the mental capacity to deal with it.

Posted in: MORE ON CHRISTMAS IN A SEC on at at 10:19 AM 0 comments  

Oh wait, I'm NOT dreaming! There are snowflakes the size of half dollars falling from the sky. Again. In the past week it has snowed over 2 feet. And it just keeps coming.

This is exactly why I could never move out of the Midwest. There is just something about huge snowflakes falling on Christmas Eve that puts you in the spirit.

Although I'm sure if I had to drive today, my opinion would be much different. The city has already run out of salt for the season and switched to sand. Sandy snow if fugly.

ETA: That's my crazy neighbor guy's house (taken from the comfort of my computer chair). He's the one that wears a parka in the summer and walks backward on occasion. Also, you have to be careful not to leave your kids toys [or worse your kids] in his driveway because he's blind as a bat and will run them over. Luckily, we live across the street.

Posted in: RANDOM HOLIDAY POSTINGS ARE FUN on Wednesday, December 24, 2008 at at 7:56 AM 0 comments  

Win a Free Organic Embroidered Ergo Baby Carrier Hands Free System from Along for the Ride

Posted in: SRSLY JUST DO IT on Monday, December 22, 2008 at at 9:46 AM 1 comments  

...the mercury doesn't rise past ZERO during the warmest part of the day.

...your cars won't start in the morning.

...you consider putting blankets over your hood so that your car will possibly start the next day.

...even your dog won't pee outside.

...you debate whether or not you should go to the grocery store and decide you would rather eat scrambled eggs for every meal instead.

...your Pepsi freezes solid and makes every can look like a Weeble.

Yeah, it's that cold here.

Posted in: MY SHOULDER HURTS FROM PUSHING THE DEAD CAR on at at 6:42 AM 1 comments  

Posted in: IT'S TIME TO PARTY on Sunday, December 21, 2008 at at 11:01 AM 1 comments  

It's been an eventful day already and it's just now 9 a.m.

Of course school was canceled today. Today being the last day of school before winter break. Today being party day at school. The party that I already bought stuff for. I guess the kids will enjoy holiday napkins in January.

So we're holed up in our house like Eskimos and it's already wearing down everyone's nerves. I'm fairly certain I will have a nervous breakdown by noon. My voice is already hoarse from yelling.

There's dog food all over the floor. Kid #4 thought pouring the dog food out was hilarious. Then he ran, fell and skidded on it (think: Slip 'n Slide style) scattering dog food all over my living room floor. I convince Kid #3 to pick it up. I let her use the coveted dustpan and she's stoked. She does a decent job, but then I check which bowl she has put the food into and of course it's the water dish. Max now has dog stew.

While this distraction is happening, the dog goes missing. Then I smell him. Somewhere. I frantically run around trying to find him as I see him with a guilty look on his face walking out of the kitchen. Then I see it. The biggest pile of dog poop ever.

This is already not going to be a good day.

At least I don't have to travel anywhere. Little Sis had to work today and she got stuck in front of the house. Like any good sister instead of helping, I took pictures.

Posted in: LONG LONG DAY on Friday, December 19, 2008 at at 6:56 AM 0 comments  

Much to my surprise, a letter from Santa came in the mail yesterday. Personally addressed to Kid #2.

Confused as hell, I gave it to her. She ripped it open and had me read it to her. Big freaking mistake.

If you have more than one kid, you've already picked up on my mistake. When one kid gets a letter from the most cherished icon of their childhood, it will most certainly make the other children wildly jealous.

Me: Wow Kid #2! You're so lucky to get a letter from Santa!
Big Daddy: Uhhhh *whispers* Was that you?
Me: No! *whispers* I thought it was you!
Big Daddy: OMG. This is going to be bad.

Kid #3: *puts head into hands* Santa no give me a wedder?
Me: Oh, I'm sure Santa sent you a letter. It's probably just not here yet. You know how that goofy post office must be...haha...
Kid #3: I'm sad to Santa. He no give me a wedder. Iz not a bad guwl.
Me: *crushed by this point* No honey, you're not a bad girl at all. I'm sure your letter, and the other kids letters will be here tomorrow.

I quickly hop onto the computer and try to find this website. Did I sign up for a letter from Santa? Sometimes I sign up for shit that I don't remember. Okay, it happens a lot, but why would I only sign up one of my four kids? Maybe I already signed up all of them and they really will be here tomorrow? Who knows at this point!

No website I went on looked familiar at all so screw it. I made up new ones for the rest of the kids and am "stamping" them myself.

ETA: It did work. Kid #3 was out of her mind excited when the mailman "dropped by" early today to give her Santa's letter. Her exact response was "Wow! Santa sent me a number!"

Posted in: BETTER THAN NOTHIN' on Thursday, December 18, 2008 at at 10:09 AM 0 comments  

Getting run over by a reindeer and all must suck.



But it sure does make my kids happy! I think I've listened to this about 500 times since we decorated for Christmas. Mental note*** No more singing ANYTHING. No more singing stockings, ornaments or decorations. It's just not worth the sanity points. I need all that I can manage to keep in tact.

As for the video, a few things I would like to point out...

1. Yes there are 2 chairs basically in the middle of the living room. We have no where to put them while the tree is up. Don't worry, in 7 days everything will be normal again.

2. Yes, the TV does have a piece of cardboard covering the buttons. It was either that or I unplugged it for the next 6 months until Kid #4 gets over his button obsession. LOST is back in January so cardboard it is!

3. The kids all have their own unique styles of dance. Kid #2 has a booty shaking, Hannah Montana groove. Kid #3 has a low key funky bop with a little ballerina thrown in. Kid #4 just runs in circles.

Posted in: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE WILL NOT BE CALLING US on at at 9:56 AM 1 comments  

Buster was a peppy little puppy. Full of spunk. He was really good at peeing and pooping on the little pads. He kept "Max da puppy" entertained and they were snuggle buddies.

However, I had him pack up his shit and move back with his momma.

He was too much for our family. He like to antagonize Max and they fought like... well... like my freaking kids.

Ironically enough, it scared the kids into hating him.

So he's back with his little puppy family. He was really happy to go back. His momma let him nurse when he first saw her. Awwwww. It makes my heart melt just thinking about it.

Max is not adjusting as well as I had hoped. He's such a social puppy! He will not sleep in his crate anymore because he doesn't have his snuggle buddy. He will only sleep with Little Sis (in her bed haha) or at the foot of my bed. He won't even eat without someone in the room with him.

I half considered bringing Buster back just to pacify Max, but somehow that just doesn't seem right.

I guess he's just going to have to deal with it. It still makes me a teensy bit sad to look at this cuteness though and know how happy they were together.

Posted in: PUPPY BRUDDERS on Tuesday, December 16, 2008 at at 7:16 PM 0 comments  

5 inches down, how many to go? Who knows!

All I know is I DO NOT want a snow day tomorrow. It's Big Daddy's day off work so we're already 1 over capacity in the household for the day. If the kids are off of school that will just ruin the day completely.

When I was little I would pray for snow days, now it's the total opposite. I mean, I'm not really psyched about having to dig the car out at 7 a.m. and I do enjoy making snowmen and all that crap. Really, I do. But with my luck the wind will switch and it will be about -50 out leaving us stuck at home, staring at the Christmas tree, bored out of our minds.

I'm already over doing holiday crafts. I threw the tree up finally and I'm already over having that in the way.

I'm sick to death of the Wii. It is fun. I can't lie. But Kid #2 throws a fucking fit every time Princess Peach doesn't win and yeah I'm tired of it. Fuck Peach.

So I'm praying for an overnight miracle of snowplows and lack of precipitation. I think it will work for now. But I can't say that for the rest of the week. We're supposed to get another foot before Friday.

Posted in: OH AND OUR SNOWBLOWER IS BROKE on at at 7:10 PM 0 comments  

Starting from the top

The Crooked Star
I can not for the life of me get the star on straight. I wanted to throw it away, but I refuse to pay full price for one. I got this one for 90% off two years ago. Now I know why it no one else wanted it.

The Ornaments
They are only for the top third of the tree in our house. We put our tree up on Wednesday afternoon and the ornament death toll is already at 5. I thought maybe this year we could chance it and let the kids decorate the tree themselves, but clearly I was delusional. I moved them all up that night after they went to bed. None of them even noticed.

The Garland
Kid #2 calls it the pretty scarf. Buster enjoyed eating it off the tree so I had to move it up the tree as well. More about Buster later.

The Lights
I finally have green strands. You have to buy them in September or you're SOL every year. I mean what kind of idiot buys white strings for a Christmas tree? Yeah, ME.

The Bottom Layer of "Branches"
They are stuffed in the coat closet because the dogs think they're real and tasty!

The Tree Skirt
It was peed on by Max so it's now getting washed. I can't put it back down either because of all the pretty sequins and decor that apparently looks like food to animals. I do not want to see green sparkly poop anymore.

The Pee Pad Next to the Tree
I mostly cropped it out because of the ick factor. The dogs seem to think with this tree in the house that they are actually outside and they MUST urinate RIGHT. THERE. I gave in and put a pee pad down and they happily used it.

So that's my tree. I hope you all enjoyed the festiveness that I get to admire every day until December 25th when I get bored and pull it all down.

Posted in: MOMMY DEAREST KILLED CHRISTMAS on Friday, December 12, 2008 at at 8:56 AM 3 comments  

As if my life wasn't busy enough with 4 kids, my mom decides that she can't take care of all of her puppies anymore and I was forced to become a professional Dog Sitter.

I took in 2 of her boys and OMFG they are cute! I named them because my mom can't name dogs for shit. She actually called this one "One" because he has a "one" on his neck. I told you. Terrible.

Some people would just call it a stripe, but not my mother. She's so creative. So I let Big Daddy name him. He gave him the name Buster. Wow. Apparently, the creative genes are flowing through both sides of my children's family tree, huh?

The other one I took in was my original favorite. He's fluffy and calm and I wub him soooo much! My mom gave him MY NAME. Yes, she started calling him MY name which could sort of be a male name if you work it correctly. So I changed it to Max. Now I realize Max is pretty boring, but I thought it was good because it was something all of my kids (even Kid #4) could say. Plus, I was sick of Kid #3 calling our Mac "Max da puter."



Typically, my day is spent changing diapers and feeding kids non-stop. Now it's changing diapers, feeding kids, feeding puppies and cleaning up 10 puppy accidents a day. It's a little hairy here to say the least.

They also enjoy fighting with each other which has been a concern to the kids. They don't understand that they're only playing with each other despite the fact I've told them this is what it looks like to me when THEY are fighting with their siblings.

They've also found a favorite hiding spot. Under the couch and chair.



It's cute until you realize that you could have just crushed a dog with your giant ass. Then it's a little worrisome.

So stay tuned. I haven't given up on blogging. I'm just bizzay right now with poop up to my eyeballs.

Posted in: COULDN'T YOU JUST SNUGGLE THAT FACE on Thursday, December 11, 2008 at at 12:00 PM 3 comments  

Apparently, this artistry thing runs in the family. We have quite the streak of interesting pictures in our house. The latest was faces and apples...

in Sharpie...

all over the entertainment center, bunk beds, sheets, one year old windows, and of course the walls!

Thanks Kid #3 for giving me another 13 gray hairs.

In case you're wondering how I could have missed all of this beautiful art time, I was actually busy helping Kid #2 with her homework. Typically when this kind of crap occurs, it's because I'm on the computer completely tuning out the noisy beings that throw Cheerios and remote controls. However, today I had a legitimate excuse.

Posted in: ONE MAGIC ERASER DOWN- ONE TO GO on Thursday, December 4, 2008 at at 2:20 PM 3 comments  

Say what? The Cheetah Girls? How in the hell does my 3 year old know who they are? And more importantly how does she know half the words to their song?

Posted in: TRICKY DISNEY on Wednesday, December 3, 2008 at at 3:16 PM 1 comments  

Photobucket? What were you thinking? Deleting a nine year old boy's picture of a hat? Really? Is that what you pay people to do all day? Yet, pictures of half dressed, underage girls taken in a mirror because they are too stupid to figure out how to use the timer feature is okay?

Really?

Sad.

Posted in: TINY PIC FROM NOW ON on at at 8:58 AM 2 comments  

picture edited out due to Photobucket's overzealous terms of use

Imagine my surprise when I peek into Kid #1's desk at conferences and find this little masterpiece. I'm not quite sure what The Catholics are teaching him, but this certainly peaks my curiosity.

Apparently, it's not a black penis and scrotum with a flashy pink cock ring. It's an "Anything Hat." It has a hidden flyswatter and broom, it does your homework, it has headphones and hidden wings. It also has automatic hands and a body heater which I think fit my first description better, but whatever.

Sadly, this is not the first time he's brought home a phallic picture. Last time was in kindergarten and it was a rocket launcher. It also resembled a penis with balls and this particular one was ejaculating a white substance into the sky. Srsly. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. And if I could, I would probably be arrested.

These pictures will make for fab conversation pieces when he brings over his first prom date. I. Can't. Wait.

Posted in: IT'S LEAST IT'S A DECORATIVE WINKY on Monday, December 1, 2008 at at 8:55 AM 3 comments  

Kid #3 is obsessed with reading. She brings me books about 50 times a day and has me read to her. I know I should be happy about it, but I can't be. It exhausts me. Literally. I can't get through more than one page flip before I yawn. So every two pages I have to stop and yawn. It takes me forever to read to her and by the end I feel like I need a nap.

I actually thought I might be reading too fast and not breathing enough and the yawning was my body's way of catching up. Clearly, I've been over analyzing this for years. I tried reading slower and nope, that surely wasn't it.

So I've decided that I'm basically just boring myself to sleep. I do feel a teensy bit guilty, but really how many times can a person go over the sounds an animal makes, how a princess gets rescued, or the damn alphabet before they slip into a coma? It hasn't happened yet, but one of these days it could.

Posted in: IT WILL on at at 7:22 AM 2 comments